i'm sitting at my desk at my job in louisville in the state of kentucky in the united states. i do not feel like being here. as a matter of fact, i'm only here so that i can get holiday pay for tomorrow. i plan on ducking out of here as soon as no one is looking. i'm being quiet, unassuming. laying low. as soon as they let their guard down…i'm out of here.

what i got for christmas (off the top of my head):
the complete hitchcock (book)
hellboy fridge magnet
fight club reproduction shooting script
far side off the wall calendar
ice cream scooper (with trigger action)
DVD: the game, mallrats, chasing amy, being john malkovich

i'm probably forgetting something, but then again, i'm at work, so it should be forgiven. i gave out most of the presents fairly early, a good thing considering how broke i am due to my car breaking down. i got matt some kerouac books and paul the magnolia dvd. the gifts i gave were pretty damned lackluster, but i plan to do much better next year.

ahhh…next year. the only new year's resolution i plan on making this year is to not make a serious new year's resolution. i've made too many resolutions and failed miserably, so this time i'm going to accomplish something. just you watch.

what a couple of weeks. it seems like i've been too busy to do many of the things that i began enjoying on a daily basis. like blogging, for example… and not just writing this one, but reading the many blogs i enjoy reading from day to day. i'm hoping once this big project i'm working on at work is finished, i'll have a little extra time every day to get back to my blogs.

it's nice to see nanette again, though I really haven't had a great deal of time to actually hang out with her & brian since she got here. thursday, the delayed but much longed for comic day saw me at work for an extra two hours (or more) so pretty much as soon as i got home brian & Paul were bitching profusely about my tardiness and their overwhelming hunger. we introduced nanette to the (usually) wednesday tradition of comics & denny's, where we were informed a major travesty had occurred and they were out–completely out–of ranch dressing. no ranch dressing?!? how can we possibly eat a meal a denny's with no ranch dressing!?
…
well, angrily, of course.

since my Christmas present for Paul had arrived, we popped it in immediately on our return home and proceeded to laugh hysterically for over an hour.

Next came Friday, which found me, once again, staying late at work, except that this time i was there an extra 5 (that's five, f-i-v-e, 5) hours, bringing my total for the day up to a whopping 13!. i stopped off to grab beer, cigarettes, and food on the way home (since brian had informed me that both paul & guy were present, that they were going out to eat, and would be imbibing a bit… well, except for guy, who doesn't drink. then once home i proceeded to drink a little and whup both paul & brian's asses at a healthy game of timsplitters deathmatch. i'm sure this was all very amusing for nanette, who sat reading on the couch, and who'd occasionally attempt to assuage our egos by politely laughing when we silly boys tried to be funny.

then, after the drinking and the killing, we decided to do the eating. we took nanette to the infamous, legendary Twig & Leaf for a bite of the ol' Louisville Paul (oh, i mean hot) Brown. we settled comfortably into our booth and reviewed the menu. even i had planned to try the hot brown, since i've either never had one, or can't remember having had one. much to our surprise, when nanette tried to order, we were informed that they were out of the alfredo sauce that is used to make the hot brown. apparently there has been some conspiracy regarding nanette's visit to Louisville. our two traditional restaurants were both understocked on crucial elements needed to make the dining experience a complete and successful one. fortunately, they hadn't run out of their regular cheese sauce or twig taters (ie. tater tots). we finished our "meals" and headed back home clutching our protesting stomachs.

today has been an interesting exercise in "speed moving." one roommate, the unfortunately hippie-fied and constantly delinquent bob, is being ejected from this house. to our dismay, even having been given two months notice, (and a few random reminders) he had made no effort to pack or begin moving any of his (enormous amount of) stuff. so, Brax came over, he & I went to hawley-cooke to grab an assload of boxes, and we began packing bob's things for him. by the end of the evening Paul had also arrived, and between the three of us, we managed to compress what traditionally has been a two or three day affair into the miniscule space of 5 hours. bob's things are almost completely removed from his former room, and waiting for him in the basement. i can't wait to see the look on his face when he actually returns home to an almost empty room. hehe.

now it's time for bed. my body is tired, my brain is tired, and i have to rest up for what will surely be a record breaking drinking bout tomorrow night. (for me anyway).

well, after almost 10 days of chaos, it would seem that the planets have aligned closely enough to allow me a moment to do an update. i'm sitting at home right now, wrapped in my comfy bathrobe, alone alone alone. for the first time in i don't know how long.

took my yearly trip to visit my grandmother and assorted family on my mother's side for christmas, and fell further into this bad habit of mine. it seems like every year i get more and more disconnected from everything that's supposed to mean the most to me–my family and friends. almost as soon as i got to my grandmother's house, i went down into the basement, picked up the awesome Batman: Black & White that Paul got me for Christmas, and read half of it before people realized i was missing and started coming downstairs to convince me to come up and hang out.

part of the thing is, there is so much not happening in my life, nothing of real importance anyway, that i rarely have anything to talk about. and, as Paul pointed out, pretty much everyone in my family is blindly Republican, so i really don't have anything more in common with them than blood and a little history. and despite what people try to say, that is just not enough.

so, i'm hanging out at my grandmother's house for four days, being almost totally anti-social, getting depressed about the fact that i seemingly can't connect on a human level with anyone anywhere anytime, and the fact that it's christmas and the joy and happiness i used to feel as a child just isn't there anymore. the excitement at waking up in the morning and seeing what "santa" had left in my stocking and under the tree is gone. it's just another day in a repeating series of 365 that never seems to end, that just constantly loops.

two of my younger cousins are married, one already has a new baby and the other is expecting. i'm not alone in the singles arena, but these cousins are like 5 or 6 years younger than me. i always, growing up, figured that i would get married around 21, have a child by 25 and be able to spend christmas at grandma's with my loving wife, making goo-goo eyes at her and basking in the warmth of her interactions with my aunts and female cousins while the entire family gathered around and gushed over my adorable baby. i never expected to be the 27 year old, single, anti-social deviant of the family. the basement-dweller.

then christmas day comes, we're all gathered around in the living room, all… christ, like 25 – 30 of us, unwrapping presents, talking, laughing, carrying on. i get more boxes than i really expected too, which is nice, i suppose. but then i look over at my mom & dad, sitting over there in a corner of the room, mom holding (my cousin's) new baby with a big motherly smile on her face, dad sitting in the floor next to her, and i notice that there is only ONE bag, only ONE present of any kind in their vicinity. i looked more closely at my mother's face, and thought that i could see–through the happiness at watching her family's joy–a little sadness, a little dissapointment, a question. i felt like i could see the same emotion that i'd felt on a few occasions as a child (or a teenager) when i felt like i'd not gotten quite enough presents to really know that i was loved. (which was really silly of me, but we all know how that goes). MY PARENTS had only gotten ONE present. three children, mom's seven sisters & brothers, their wives, their children, and only ONE present. once i came to this realization, whatever joy i had was no longer there. i focused on the look in my mothers face, the look that was deeper than the almost eternal mask of happiness she carries. i looked at my father and saw the same look that i must have had on several different occasions throughout the years, saw the same body language, the same almost unnoticeable indication of dissapointment. the same struggle to maintain the masks of joy that are required on christmas day.

after the christmas wrapping carnage was over, i carried my new things down into the basement, threw on my coat, and went out for a smoke. the one place i was sure i wouldn't be interrupted. i thought about my parent's one present, i thought about the fact that i'd had to call my parents two weeks ago to ask for my christmas money early just so i wouldn't overdraw my checking account. i thought about all the other times i've had to call on my parents to bail me out of some self-inflicted financial hardship or other, and how they've always come through for me. i thought about how i was able to buy presents for most of my friends (whom i love dearly) but i wasn't able to buy a single thing for my parents.

next year will be different. i'm going to make an effort to save money throughout the year so that, when christmas rolls around, i'll have a nice little stash set aside for transforming my parents falsely joyful faces into faces of real happiness. into faces that say that they know they are loved.

next christmas will be different.

another glorious waste of time: mobile's disco. i'm on as slint. i'm usually carrying around a vodka because that's all i can get the finnish bartender to give me. you can find me kickin' the dope rhymes in the disco room.

i'm just wasting time: an essay on mental hygiene films. [sorta via phonezilla]

another day where it feels like i'm waking up in the water box. this is my description of my most recent affliction where i seem to only gain self awareness as scalding hot water washes over me in the shower. i really have no recollection of anything that may have happened prior to that. i don't even know how i got there. this is a recurring problem.

then i get to work and i swear it must be idiot day. i have a much worse name for today, but i'm keeping it to myself. i don't want to come off as extremely cruel. not any more than usual, anyway…i've taken quite a few calls today and they've all been morons. i'm not gonna get into particulars, but for your information: please make sure you don't have your caps lock key on before you call tech support. please.

site that it's too easy for me to waste time at: swingin' chicks of the 60's. too many pretty girls from an era gone by…

i brought my lunch to work today. a can of chunky soup. i even brought my own bowl. this is important because i'm getting to eat and i don't have to utilize my severely dwindling cash supply. this is what a wise man would call one of life's little victories.

i started the day trying to be a good employee, but now my bad habits have gotten the best of me. i'm slacking off, eyeing the clock, waiting for lunch. i figure…i won't be here for a week, so by the time i get back, i'll be a good employee, and it'll be too far in the past for anyone to bitch. this is what we call "working the system", kids. remember it well.

it's the day after christmas. i'm one of the few lucky people that didn't have to return to work today. not me, no sir. i'm sitting at home, wasting as much time as humanly possible. it's my calling, i guess. i'm back to work tomorrow for one entire day.

brad keeps plugging away on his new weblog. i saw him yesterday at the family christmas. steve, chris, and i taught him how to play euchre. chris and i won, as we usually do. the turkey was dry as hell. someone (my aunt who cannot cook to save her life) decided it was a grand idea to baste the turkey with wine. no thanks, i say. the alcoholic consumption was curbed when i was presented with the drink choices for the day: some vodka drink that was semi-solid and milwaukee's best from a can. i'm not fond of drinking things that scare me, so let's just say i stuck with the coke classic.

i didn't receive any presents on the actual holiday. we did all of our gift exchanging around here a couple of days ago. i probably need to scoot over to my dad's house sometime today and see how they're doing. all in all, it was a pretty calm christmas. i cut out early and came home to hang out with paul.

it's christmas eve and i'm sitting at work. this isn't really a big deal, i guess. i'd rather work today than tomorrow, and i had no plans going, anyway. so all in all…not a bad thing, i guess. minus the whole "being at work" thing, anyway.

i hope made it down to virginia alright. i haven't gotten an email or seen an update, so i guess i should just hope for the best. i'm sure he's alright, though.

the guy next to me is listening to really bad dance music, really loud. it's starting to drive me totally insane. i don't see how he can answer tech support calls and listen to that garbage. actually…i just don't know how he can listen to the crap to begin with, but maybe that's just me. i am going to avoid making the connection between his sexual orientation and his taste in music. for now, anyway…

i talked to brad for a little bit last night. he seems interested in taking life during wartime seriously, so we'll see how that pans out. if all else fails, i can just give him shit at the annual christmas drunken hullabalo tomorrow. i'm not driving to the get-together, so i'll probably get hammered early on and stay that way. nothing beats getting trashed with your grandmother. honestly.

so…yeah. i can't fight the lure of the ol' weblog, so most likely i'll end up updating tomorrow, as well. keep your eyes peeled.

everyone has gone their seperate ways today, it seems. matt packed his essentials and headed of to virginia to visit his family. hopefully he made it there alright. paul is out with brax, seeing a movie and getting dinner. i'm pretty damn broke at the moment, mostly due to the car, so i opted to stay home and play video games.

i'm hoping to get up to chicago in a couple of weeks to see the casket lottery and small brown bike play. realy it's just a cheap excuse to head up to chicago to see friends i don't see often enough. hey…i do what i can.

so have a merry christmas or whatever it is that you do…i'm going back to my video games.

i went down to the repair place to reclaim the car today. that set me back a grand total of $310.35. it ended up being the timing belt that broke, making my car rather non-functional. it seems to be running better than it did before the accident, so i guess that's a plus.

we're having everyone over tonight for a little christmas business (paul's already here, posting for the evening). i finally get to meet the mysterious nathan tonight, so that should be interesting. we'll exchange gifts and a good time should be had by all.

my cousin brad seems to have launched a new site, entitled life during wartime. i personally think it reads much better than his old one, so hopefully he decides to continue it.

the new developing the monkey is finally up. it's nice to have another hefty dose of kevin smith, and it's also nice to see that psycomic got their server problems straightened out.

have a good weekend. i intend on staying busy.

now that the car is towed and safely tucked away at the repair shop…i can now rest easier. a little bit easier, anyway. as easy as one can rest when he's sick, broke, and without a car. oh yeah…and with no comics. but enough of my sob story, huh?

since i pointed nanette to the tempermant quiz thing, i thought i'd post my results. i turned out to be an eNFj. an idealist teacher. we make up only around 2% of the population. i can't argue with the idealist part. i've known that all along. i'm definitely a dreamer, a hopeless romantic. but it scares me to recognize the aspects of my personality that lend to teaching others. when it's all there in black and white, it's easier to identify them. it's not like i'm yoda, but this is definitely interesting. this, coupled with my recent score of a 147 on an iq test really has me interested in myself. where is all of this untapped potential when i need it?