as brian promised last night, here are my semi-official seven questions with the seven-questions master himself…

for a while there, it seemed that you were going through a phase where you couldn't date a girl that lived less than 300+ miles away… was this in any way related to your recurring alien abductions?

i did have a problem where i'd start whacking it and then i'd wake up in the bed of some 17 year-old girl, somewhere in new hampshire or some other similarly ludicrous place. whether this has to do with alien abductions, secret government experiments in sexuality and space/time travel, or my own uncontrollable libido, i can't tell you.

speaking of aliens, if H.R. Giger were to feature your penis in a painting, in what situation would you like your penis to be placed?

remember those paintings he did of deborah harry? well…my penis should be involved in just about any deborah harry painting.

or involved with deborah harry, period.

assume you are a powerful telepath like Professor X, what would be your first action upon realizing your powers?

realizing? like what would probably happen that would cause me to realize i have these amazing powers? or i already know?
and what is the first act i perpetrate upon another living mind after discovering that i'm a super mack daddy telepath?

you become aware of your powers, what is your first action upon another human mind?

i would instantly transmit thoughts to all the beautiful women on earth, making them forget to wear clothes. then i would mess with the minds of authority and make them believe that this is perfectly okay.

either that or i would convince rachael leigh cook to have sex with me.

all the time.

and, speaking of rachael leigh cook…
If you were a zit somewhere on Rachael Leigh Cook's body, where would you be, and what would you want her to do about you?

i would like to be a nice sized zit on one of miss cook's breasts. i would like her to show her zit off to various people, trying to convince them that she has, in fact, grown a third nipple.

if you were sent to prison and made someone's bitch, what would you want your name to be?

definitely "crotchrot" or "crotch killa." this would, hopefully, head off any future "bitchmakings." i would also spread word around that i bite and that i keep razor blades stuffed up my ass.

ok. it's bottom of the ninth, two runners on, your team is down by two runs, the batter's at 3 & 1, you're the pitcher. as you check the runners you happen to glance into your team's dugout, where you see the aformentioned miss cook and lucy liu naked and beckoning you to forfeit the game and take them right there on the benches… exactly how long does it take you to drop the ball?

to be honest, my balls would be doing the opposite of dropping, if you catch my meaning. it really wouldn't be a matter of measurable time. i would toss the ball into the stands to my number one fan, wave to the crowd and stalk into the dugout to get my rock on.

if you could give one piece of advice based on your life experiences to children living in a post-apocalyptic world, what would it be?

hmmm…

how about…

don't believe all that shit your friends say. they haven't proved the exact content of soylent green yet. so eat up before i sell your little mutant asses.

[j. brian "the brain" hall posts like a fiend over there on the left side of bipolar and is a constant thorn in my side–always saying things to me like "post, damn you!", or "when are you going to fucking post!?" oh, and then there's that whole transmission3000.com thing that he kind of does on the side…]