* "Crisis" is definitely overstating it a bit, but nevertheless…

Earlier tonight, I told an old friend that "I couldn't be happier with where my life has led," and, of course, that is true. What i've been struggling with the last few years has been the "where."

In high school, i wanted nothing more than to start my own business, be my own boss, stay in the hick town where I grew up and be a "computer consultant" (whatever the hell that means.) I knew that I would a) be awesome at it, and b) be totally happy with my life. Instead—when i realized my father's brain would melt and my mother's heart would flop right out of her chest if I didn't—i went to college.

In college, i met some awesome creative people, broke out of my mold, and made sweeping plans for taking over the world with the most profound art, music, and literature the world had ever seen, together with this band of misfit geniuses in whom I'd found a family.

Then the 'net happened and I found another niche. I was going to carry this empire of sight, sound, and word into the year 2000, and become the best damned webmaster this side of the Mississippi. I was going to shift paradigms, set trends, and lead the denizens of the 'net to the next level. Not that I could see what that next level was yet, but that was my plan.

Luckily, I landed a job that let me do the only thing that I'd really want to sit still long enough to get paid for. Unfortunately, i discovered that it wasn't always possible to innovate on a deadline, for the kind of clients a high priced web firm dealt with. That, and I didn't have the base skills to really push the envelope. I was, after all, entirely self-taught.

As technology progressed, I collected plans and hoarded them for "when I had time." My work, psycho ex-girlfriends, the internet, and my plans themselves sapped my energy to the point where little got done. Occasionally, I'd have a burst of activity, and accomplish something neat, or push a pet project a little farther up the hill. Then I'd go back to the news feeds, or the game of Dune, or whatever.

I was going to be a first-rate poet, the next Kerouac, a top notch photographer, a musician, a publisher, a record producer, a freelance web guru, a gallery owner, a coffee shop owner… the list goes on.

It's taken me a few years, but slowly, I've realized that I can't do it all. And those grandiose plans I made years ago—the empire I built on dreams—depended on that family of friends as a static, unchanging unit with infinite reserves of energy and patience. To meet my dreams, my friends would have had to stay just as they were.

What I've come to realize is not that I can't count on my friends (because I know they'll support me in whatever I choose to do), but just that my friends have their own lives, and plans, and dreams. I can't package them up into mine, any more than they can package me up into theirs.

So I have been converging on this point, where I have to figure out two things: what I want to do, and what I can do. With all these grandiose plans I've made, which are the feasible, workable notions, and which are the pipe dreams?

These were the thoughts that, late last year, and early this year, brought me to re-dedicate myself to my writing. I still have lots of plans, little things I'd like to do, but, when push comes to shove, my writing comes first. Someday, perhaps I'll be able to expand my arena again, but right now, I have to seize my opportunities and focus on a smaller set of goals.

To a certain extent, the old Coffeemonk Design Flaws empire is seeing a sunset. The name "Coffeemonk Design Flaws" was always Bob's thing anyway, and without his participation, it has long felt hollow.

I'm still working out the details in my head, but very likely, coffeemonk.com will become my writing oriented blog, and Savant-Garde Press will finally emerge from it's long stasis to stand on it's own. I'm also planning to launch a personal blog at matt.rasnake.info (eventually), and will continue to maintain bipolar as well.

This, then, is not as much an identity crisis, as it is an identity acknowledgement. This is the happiness to which my life has led me…

it seems almost inconceivable, but today marks the sixth anniversary of the first post on bipolar. of course, that post was pretty much just a test post, but no matter. and it's also not to say that bipolar has enjoyed much life in the last year. out of the last 10 months, it seems i've only successfully posted in three of them. brian has fared a little better, posting in four out of the last 10 months.

i suppose this is one of the reasons why blogging has gone the way it's gone… the only people who can effectively keep it going are the ones who are getting paid for it.

nevertheless, brian and i are still here, still putting up stuff when we can find time to do it.

now, in honor of our anniversary, and anniversary posts past (which, on review, I've realized were fewer and farther between than I'd have hoped) here's a brief recap:

• 05/22/2000 :: bipolar launched
• 07/26/2000 :: embarked on my chosen career
• 10/03/2002 :: the winds of change: aka, i had met sara, my wife-to-be
• 10/05/2002 :: first trip to paris
• 12/23/2002 :: first direct mention of sara in a post, having attempted to avoid the blogger cliche' of writing about every aspect of your fledgling relationship.
• 03/17/2003 :: found out i was going to be an uncle
• 06/02/2003 :: my new girlfriend went with me to see my ex-girlfriend get married
• 07/03/2003 :: sara and i took our first vacation together, and didn't kill each other
• 08/08/2003 :: jess got married
• 08/31/2003 :: my first niece is born
• 05/18/2004 :: job lost, job gained, vacation planned
• 06/28/2004 :: went to paris again, this time brought back a fianc�
• 11/03/2004 :: the american public once again proved their stupidity
• 07/06/2005 :: sara and I got married, starting our new life together
• 11/05/2005 :: whereafter, i proceeded to drop off the face of the earth, or at least bipolar
• 04/17/2006 :: bipolar gets an organ transplant, and a facelift

a few things I didn't mention, or barely mentioned were the births of my goddaughter�sara's niece emma�and my first nephew, reuben. of course, now I have four nieces and a nephew, and they are all uniquely adorable.

sara's almost finished her third year of med school, and is looking forward to getting a greater concentration in her chosen field of pediatrics here in the upcoming fourth year.

lastly, a large chunk of my friends, those from the core murray group, are finally getting themselves married off. brax this past month, and nate and the puffin in very short order.

six years covers a lot of ground in the lives of 20 somethings to 30 somethings. i do wish i could have chronichled more of the last year, but i suppose it's better to live a life you've no time to write about, than to have tons of time to write about the life you wish you had. six years has seen me go from a time of insecurity (personally, financially, professionally), to the complete opposite. I've gone from waiting for my life to get started, to realizing that it already has. and even better than that, I'm happy.

this probably has limited intrinsic value, but it's something i've thought was neat for some time, and now that we've got wordpress, it was crazy easy to implement.

you know about avatars, right? as a limited example, they're the little images you choose to personalize your profile on bulletin boards (or forums as the young bucks like to call 'em). well, a guy had an idea that if you wanted, you should be able to use a single avatar, centrally controlled, from any site anywhere on the 'net. and, since we've all got unique email addresses, that could be the peg the hat hangs on. so now, if you login or post to a site that uses these "globally recognized avatars" and give them your email address, whamo-bamo, your personal little pic shows up on their site.

since I tended to use the same avatar (and username) on every site I visit anyway, this seemed like an obvious solution to a problem I hadn't realized I had. so, I signed up.

now, there's a plugin for Thunderbird so you can see gravatars in your address book, and, of course, there's a plugin for wordpress, so you guys can see your pictures when you post comments.

all you need to do to set up your free gravatar is go to http://www.gravatar.com and sign up. The gravatars have to be approved manually, and they are rated, so if you submit porn, someone will see it and rate it appropriately. because of the approval process and the 1-avatar, 1-email address limit of the free account, it could be a chore if you wanted to occasionally swap out your avatars.

i'd love to see all the regular characters set up a gravatar, just 'cause i think it's fun, and y'know, i went to all the trouble of installing the plugin.

oh, and btw, happy birthday to the amazing sharon—officially not a youngster anymore.

i've gotta say that i'm pretty excited right now. my sister just gave birth to her first baby, my first niece. i haven't been able to talk to her about it yet, since she's in France and 6 hours in the future (and thus most likely asleep already after her certainly grueling day), but i'm excited nonetheless.

my first thought was that i have to get to the baby store and buy something for the little one. i plan to be an uncle of the "spoiling rotten" variety for as long as i can manage. only on occasion will i pull out the "mean as a snake and twice as ugly" uncle role, a part so well played by my own uncle "Red"–a man who, even in his (probably) late 50's to early 60's, still makes me fear the "titty twister," toe yank, ear grab, or good old-fashioned chase-down-bear-hug-tickle-of-death (the tickle-of-death usually consisting of very firm and painful pressure to the ribs and/or large chunks of skin… not so much a tickle as an attempt to break something).

now that was a hell of a sentence. sometimes i surprise even myself.

anyway. i'm excited. i'm an uncle. pictures to follow as soon as they're received.
**Update** as you may've noticed, pictures have been added to the picturebar at the right there, and i've even added 4 *more* pictures since adding the first batch. check out the growing devlin family gallery

now, in other news, i did finally get the pictures from gallery for some shots of the beautiful bride and the reception.

yes, they're a bit dark. i, being a person who generally hates flash photography, neglected to bring my flash along, and the lighting just wasn't up to the task. this was also, of course, before getting my swanky new digital camera.

i also threw up a second new gallery from the same roll of film, this one of my and paul's cats Zoe and Harriet.

last but not least, i finally updated lucifigousprick.com with information about the last show, which, while fun, was also quite frustrating in many ways. more about that later, perhaps, or just go to the site and you can probably piece it together.

well well well. can anyone here say "old habits die hard"? i sure can.

the biggest news since the last "real newsworthy" post is that sharon finally got herself hitched up. the ever-lovely sara and i went down to Princeton for another visit with my family and to go to the wedding. the visit with the family was very nice and laid back, as all good visits to family should be.

saturday evening was the wedding, and sara & i drove down to LBL, specifically Patti's 1880's Settlement, where the ceremony was to take place.

I'd never been to Patti's before, but heard about it quite a bit growing up (though even then the references were vague, as everyone pretty much assumed i'd know what they were talking about… it's the way of things in a rural community.) As you might imagine, Patti's is an approximation of a (significantly romanticized) old-time settlement… bunch of log cabins, flowers growing everywhere, streams flowing, waterfalls falling; pigs, chickens, and turkeys (all in pens, of course); and lots and lots of "antique" crafts and similar merchandise.

the ceremony itself took place in a large gazebo in the center of the "settlement", very elaborately decorated, very beautiful. unfortunately for some, the gazebo was not quite large enough for the assembled guests. i suppose though, that this was probably just a good indicator of how well sharon was loved by the people of the town. sometimes i feel i'll be lucky to get more than 50 (family & friends) at my eventual betrothal.

of course, as some of us know, i'm a complete and total sap, so it should come as no surprise that a couple times during the ceremony i came very near tears. it was very touching, and considering the past, i think i could hardly be happier for anyone than i was for sharon. of course, the most difficult moment was when, while attempting to recite her vows, her voice broke and you could literally hear the weight of her emotions in her voice. that was nearly the end of me. thankfully, sara was there and she managed to hush me up without resorting to pinching, hitting, or dragging me out by my ear.

after the ceremony, we waited for a chance to personally greet & congratulate the bride & groom, and the look of surprise (and happiness) on sharon's face when she finally saw me standing there was very gratifying. it was a very happy moment, to see her again, and to get to introduce her and sara. unfortunately, there were many guests for them to greet still, so we made our way to the back and out. on the way out, we stopped to say hello to the parents, and i have to say… the look of utter surprise on sharon's mother's face was quite entertaining. not only had she not seen me in years, but i'm sure i'm one of, if not the last person she expected to see there that day.

as i said though, the ceremony was lovely, and i'm incredibly glad i got to be there.

afterwards, the reception was held at the KY Dam Village Convention Center. it was an enjoyable time, highlighted by: a 15 minute (or so) slide presentation of sharon and grant growing up and meeting each other; and some crazy dance performed by the groom himself. we had a great time, and managed to get a least a few pictures that i'll hopefully be able to get online here soon.

the rest of the weekend was a bit compressed, as we had to get back to Louisville early in the afternoon on Sunday to get my sister to the airport for her trip back to France. as always it was good to get to see my sister, and to finally get to spend more than just a day with her before she headed back. especially considering that this may've been my only chance to meet the nephew (or niece) before s/he's born. nevertheless, on a least a couple of occasions, the baby gave me a hearty kick of greeting, perhaps to thank me before-hand for all the spoiling it's going to get under my generous uncleship.

this is too long. more later.

for the last couple months, there's been this thing going on in my life that i've not really delved into here on bipolar. well, now that that's been brought to it's (inevitable?) conclusion, and since i can't say these things to the involved party, i thought i'd share them with you. who better to unload on than a motley collection of close friends and complete strangers?

she has returned once again, or rather, had returned. a couple months ago–after a particularly low point in what has become an otherwise smooth emotional roller-coaster, and after i'd just been thinking about her with more frequency–she called me up out of the blue.

she'd been almost completely out of my life for close to two years, and the last time i'd even seen her (at a distance) was more than a year earlier. she called me up and we talked. we talked and we hung out. we hung out and spent hours together. me, being the eternally optimistic, overly forgiving person that i am, was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

i was doing alright, really i was. maintaining emotional control, not letting my thoughts run away, not letting my heart get carried off without my head. i was wary. optimistic, forgiving, understanding, but wary.

among the many things she expressed to me during the time we were hanging out, was the "fact" that she had missed me over the year(s), thought about me quite often, and just wanted to be able to hang out with me again. how sweet.

and i tried to believe her, i really did. unfortunately, the same warning signs kept popping up that i'd learned to take notice of in our previous "moments." she would call and complain bitterly about how bad her days were, about how she had no friends, no one to talk to, nothing to do. how utterly bored she was. i let these things slide. i know her. but, (and does anyone else notice this or is it just me?) it seemed to me like i was a "last resort"–she had no one else to call, so she called me. there was nothing better going on, so she wanted to hang out with me.

personally, i like my friends to be busy. i like for them to be busy and still want to at least say "hey" to me, to at least take a few minutes and just talk about nothing. i have always got something i can be doing, and sometimes i have a bad habit of letting that keep me from doing this for my friends, but that's my fault, something i'm aware of, and something i'm trying to work on. just ask nate, he'll tell you.

anyway, i know that i don't want to be "better than nothing" for anyone, no matter what the circumstances. and, especially if this girl who has fucked me over in extreme ways and on multiple occasions wants to come back into my life and tell me she cares and misses me, she'd better damn well be able to show me that that's true. she'd better say "y'know, i've got some work that i need to get done, but i *really* want to see you tonight. you wanna go get some coffee for an hour or so?"

so, then this france trip came along, and after we'd been spending all this time getting to know each other again, trying to be friends again, talking about what the possibilities were for us as something maybe more than friends, i leave for a week. i leave for a week, and the night before i leave, i have to practically *beg* her to come hang out with me to see me before i take off. hello, flag on the play.

and i called her from the airport the next day and i said "hey, if you're thinking about me, you know you can call my cell phone and leave me little messages throughout the week. i'd like that." when i get back home, there's one message–from Tuesday. fine, y'know, she's busy working, she feels weird leaving me message she knows i'm not getting. fine. whatever. no big deal.

i get home after my long ass flight and call her, but she doesn't answer. i call her again before i go to bed that night, again, no answer. finally, she calls me the next day, and talks about her drunken weekend and apologizing that she didn't call back sooner. she tells me that school's just starting and she's really busy. she can't see me. she's got class tonight. she calls me after class on her way home, and says she has to do homework. she can't see me.

well, so much for being missed.

so, i say y'know what, nevermind. if she wants to hang out, she'll call me. when she's not busy with school, she'll call me. after not hearing from her for several days, the obvious realization sets in. in actuality, she doesn't really care. she doesn't really miss me. she makes no effort to spend even the smallest amount of time with me after i've been on the other side of the planet for a week, so it's fairly obvious that i just don't mean that much to her. and if she doesn't care, then why should i?

i haven't called her back since… i guess it was last wednesday or so, when we talked and i told her some of this stuff. about how i felt like a "convenience friend". how i felt that she didn't really care. she, of course, gave me all sorts of excuses, apologized again, and told me that she really did care. well, again, i think the truth is fairly obvious. she called yesterday and bitched about how "the phone works both ways." my response was just "i know, i've just got a lot going on right now." she called again today to say that she "got the message," and that she was just calling to say "hi" and "goodbye."

i thought about all the different ways that i could undertake to get the explanation of all this across to her–i could call her, i could email her, i could write her a letter and take it to her at work. but i know that, if i did that, it wouldn't make any difference. it would be wasted breath, wasted thought, wasted effort. she won't get it, she won't accept it, she won't learn from it.

still, i had to get this off my chest somehow. i had to go through it to get past it. now it's out there. now it's done.

well, it's time for my bi-weekly post to what was once my daily obsession…

i've been so disconnected for a while… between a few months of hell at work (which are now thankfully starting to slow down and normalize) and the "free time" that seems to be slowly dwindling away from me through some unknown time vortex, i've barely been on my computer in a communicative, productive capacity at all in the last several weeks anyway.

of course, i spend 8 hours a day on the computer, and perhaps that's part of it… perhaps i'm finally starting to burn out on the whole computer thing. i really don't think that's the case, but i have to entertain it as at least a possibility.

really, though, after the events of Sept. 11th, the aftermath of that, and between buying DVDs, PS2 games, and not one, but two games for my PC, i've basically been doing the late 90's teenager thing of vegging in front of the boob tube or drooling in front of a 3D computer gamespace.

maybe i'm due… i never got into this stuff all that much in the past… was never much of a computer game player. of course, occasionally a couple days of my life would get sucked out by the PS1 at a time, but that was usually a rare every three or four months thing. it's just been happening a bit more often lately.

but yeah, so, we saw the series premier of Enterprise last wednesday, and it was pretty damn good. except that opening theme music which was utter crap. in fact, it was worse than that. the opening theme to Enterprise is so bad that i can't even conceive of the words to adequately describe level of disgust i feel for it.

and i bought the V mini-series DVD a weekend or so ago. it was just as good though even more cheesy than i remembered. the scene where the alien 2nd in command swallows the gerbil, or whatever it was, was just laughable.

and i've been having weird dreams lately. the first i remember was one i think i had the night i watched the first half of the V DVD, which apparently was my mind combining the World Trade Center attacks with the V story. we were up in a tall building some 200 stories up, and all of a sudden the building just leans over and falls to the ground. we're alive but scrambling to get out and to find people with our high-tech devices. we eventually make it to a house, but it's quickly taken over by what is apparently a human militia group and we're kicked out on our ass.

not sure what that all means, i guess it was just my subconscious trying to come to grips.

other dreams have come and gone, but this morning it was dreams about my ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend (previously dubbed "idiot-jerk") who were being nice if not overtly friendly towards me. i'm guessing that this dream was trying to tell me to forgive "idiot-jerk" and get over it and on with my life or whatever, but i don't think i can do that. forgive him, i mean. i think i'd like to hold onto that for a little while longer.

otherwise, i've been happy and healthy (a little too healthy if my expanding waist-line is any indication…) and apparently never without something to do.

and now, it's time for me to get out of here a little early so the systems guys can rape my machine and infect it with the Visual Studio .NET virus. apparently, i'm going to have to learn to deal with even more Microsoft crap. bah. bill gates, i spit on thee.

so, like paul mentioned over on puffin-a-go-go a post or two ago, he, brax and i went to see a sneak preview (much like brian did monday night…) of "jay & silent bob strike back," double-billed with "the others." it was altogether a great four hour block of movie watching.

i'd have to say that J&SBSB isn't my favorite of the view askew movies, and at this point (prior to a second viewing) it actually comes in third. nah, wait. i don't want to commit to that, i'll have to watch the other contenders again before i can say that. i'm pretty certain that my favorite of all of them is "chasing amy," which, if you take into account my predilection for falling in love with bi-sexual (or even straight-up lesbian) girls, isn't all that surprising. and i've just got this huge thing for Joey Lauren Adams…. boy oh boy. she's incredibly cute, and her voice (which seems to turn many men off after extended exposure) just adds an extra touch of uniqueness and enhances her overall cuteness in my eyes. joey, if you're reading this, i'm a really great guy… call me!

anyway, back to reality. i liked the movie overall (we're back to j&sbsb now, for those of you trying to keep track). there were some places where they went a bit overboard with the going overboard, and a few places where the comedic bits seemed a bit forced. will ferrell was awesome, as usual, but then, so was everyone else. hm. i don't know what else to say, other than that. i'm at a loss… how 'bout this: "it was good."

the others was also quite good. i'd pretty much figured out what was going on (or going to happen) before the midway point i guess (not in the first five minutes, like paul claims…), and was actually able to allow myself be taken by the story. it was told well enough that it did make me doubt the conclusion i'd reached, and i happily followed the director down the path he wished the audience to go. don't worry though, whether you figure it out or not, you'll enjoy it. i didn't really think it was all that "scary," but there were a few pulse pounding seconds here and there. i do believe that at one point, the entire audience hopped about four inches out of their seats…

earlier that evening, after running to pick up brax from work in the general area of the theatre, and having to rush home to get his glasses (pretty much all the way across town, mind you) and still needing to stop for dinner before the films, we decided to stop at a new place called the "blue moon diner." we figured "hey, it's a diner. and not only that, it's a new diner we've never been to." we thought we'd be able to run into this little place, grab a quick cheap meal, and get to the theatre in plenty of time. a word of warning: the blue moon "diner" is not really a diner at all, it only looks like one. this place was fancy, or certainly fancier than we'd expected. they had cloth napkins! what the hell business do cloth napkins have being in a "diner"? the food was a bit expensive, but really really tasty. and, of course, the service was a bit slower than we'd hoped for, but we did still make it to the theatre on time. i think we definitely want to go back there at some point, so that we can appreciate it for what it really is… a restaurant.

blah. well, i was hoping all that stuff would be better than it seems to have come out, but hey, at least i posted, right?

it's late. i know i've said this a hundred times, and i'll probably say it a hundred more, but i have GOT to start getting to bed at a decent hour.

how depressing is it to be sitting at work for 8 hours with absolutely nothing to do? let me tell ya, it's pretty damned depressing. the only positive side of it is that i've been able to finally chat with nathan since his girlfriend convinced him to get on ICQ long enough for me to convince him to download a jabber client. now that Nathan's on jabber, we've also convinced paul to try it out so we can all do a group chat thing and seriously defeat any productive potential we have while at work.

not to mention the fact that, in the process of having an absolutely great time last night, i stayed up way too late, got a little tipsy, and today am just completely bushed. apparently, we're about to get our first home-cooked family meal in the new place, as paul's just informed me that brax will be fixing up some spaghetti. and damn, it's comics day! i've been frickin craving my traditional wednesday Denny's Big Texas BBQ burger all damn day.

anyway, went to see the Reverend for the sixth time last night, and as usual, they were awesome. i'd have to say it wasn't their best show, but since their shows have progressively gotten better and better each time, i'd have to put it just below the last time i saw them. which is probably considerably better than most of the bands out there. another positive thing was the opening bands, who pretty much rocked the house. Death on Wednesday opened, followed by the Gotohells. It was pretty funny, just before the Gotohells came out and started playing, we were standing around talking about old Van Halen and other "hard rock" that we grew up with and really like (in retrospect, at least for me). Three chords into the Gotohells' set, i was surprised by how "classic rock" they sounded. I was thinking, listening to their set, that they sounded a bit like a good sized helping of Van Halen and other classic rock, mixed in with a little pinch of Mudhoney and grunge sound thrown in. We were all pretty impressed with the opening acts, which is very rare for us. In fact, let me see if i can remember opening acts i've actually liked out of all the concerts i've been to… the Cows, Engine, Deke Dikerson (much better live than the album that i was able to find)… and… uh… that's about it. I'm sure brax and paul could remind me of some other openers that i liked, but hey, if i can't remember them, they weren't that impressive were they?

then the Reverend came on stage and just rocked straight outta the box from beginning to end. they played quite a few songs off the first two albums, some stuff off the middle few and last albums, and some new (unrecorded) stuff as well. i think the highlight of the evening for me was when they played "eat steak" which is one of my all time favorite songs. after the Reverend made a comment to some person in the pit complaining they couldn't hear the lyrics, saying "next time, maybe i'll be more willing to work with you if you bring up a shot of jagermeister." brax then got the idea that we should take him a shot right then & there (this is a normal RHH show occurrence) and he dragged paul along to take it up to the stage. i hung in the back and just enjoyed the show. a few songs before their first break, paul came back and grabbed me and dragged me up into the pit with them. (thus setting up the next highlight of the night) at the end of the encore the Reverend came out to the edge of the stage and shook hands with people, me include. so, i got to shake hands with one of my idols.

i finally bought a new t-shirt, and met up with brax and paul who were hanging out and talking with Jimbo (the stand-up bass player). so i actually got to meet Jimbo as well, exchanged a few words with him, bordering on a conversation. Finally, as we were still waiting for the Reverend to come back out to mingle, i got to meet Scott as well. We had a great conversation about Louisville, Lexington, girls, the karaoke bar he'd gotten kicked out of the night before. and in the end, he offered to put us on the guest list for the Lexington show. damn. it's so tempting to go, but as tired as i am right now, i'd never make it staying up until three again and facing an hour plus drive home.

so, aside from Brax nearly getting in a fight with some chick because he was drunkenly dancing to the music, and aside from the fact that idiot-jerk (yes, the same idiot-jerk from previously told stories relating to an ex-girlfriend) was standing in front of me through almost the entire Horton Heat set, i had a wonderful time last night. i did spend considerable time trying to figure out if it really was idiot-jerk standing in front of me, and then, once i had figured it out, i spent considerably more time debating the value of jumping over the rail that was in front of me and pounding his face into the floor. thankfully, propriety and the desire for personal safety (who knows how many of his friends were there) won out and i left him alone. this was also part of the reason i hung back when paul and brax moved up to the pit. i wanted idiot-jerk where i could see him… just in case. but, once paul came back to drag me up there, i enjoyed the act of walking directly in front of idiot-jerk (even saying "excuse me.") on my way down to the pit. overall, i'd say the move to the pit was worth it.

i had a great night last night, and again, if you ever have the opportunity to see the Reverend Horton Heat, don't miss out. if i hear of any of you knowingly skipping out on a Horton Heat show without a very good reason, i'll personally find you and kick your ass… or at least give you a stern talking to.

3 for 3 baby, yeah.

wow. a whole year. yep, as brian pointed out, and as the more observant of you might have already noticed (yesterday), bipolar is now officially a year old. and i think i'll take a cue from brian on this one, and talk briefly about how the year has played itself out. i already did the self-referential link scavenger hunt back in january, so if you want links the easy way, go check that out.

how have things changed for me since my first entry on bipolar?

well, i guess the biggest thing would have to be my employment situation. when bipolar accepted its first visitor, i was unemployed and had been for a few months. i would have to say that was a pretty down time for me, emotionally, but i did enjoy the fact that i didn't have to do anything at all during the day if i didn't want to. i got a crappy job at Kinko's, because it was easy to get and i needed money pretty desperately. a month after getting that job, during the week i was in the training class, i got the job offer for my current job at corvus. so now, a year later i'm still happily employed, doing what i love to do and making decent money doing it. my professional life has never been better.

i'm just now (next week) preparing to move out of the apartment i've lived in for over two years, to go share an apartment with paul and current roommate brax. the three of us have lived together (well, obviously brax and i have) before on several different occasions, and we get along famously, so i'm really looking forward to the move. not to mention the fact that i'll finally (after over a year) have my own room again. when i first moved into my current apartment, i was living with my then-girlfriend–the often-mentioned, evil her. of course, i was completely in love with her, and everything was fine for a few months until she did her heart-stomping and friendship/fishhook thing on me. after she finally moved out, i had our room to myself for a few months until brax moved in (the first time). since brax couldn't share a room with Jess (since she's, y'know, a girl) he and i took the upstairs bedroom and shared that for a few months until his girlfriend got her meathooks back into him and dragged him back out into an apartment with her. then i had the whole upstairs to myself for… about a month, until brian's roommate situation fell through and he needed a place to stay "until he got on his feet and got his own place." a year later brian's still here, still sleeping on my couch. soon enough, though, he'll have the room to himself, and i'll have my own room to myself. as brian said, he thinks i'm the only person he could have shared such close quarters with for so long. i'd have to agree with him. i think i'm the only person on the planet who could live with him this long without going to the pawn shop to buy a gun, or checking myself into a mental institution.

i wrote my first post something like three months after the breakup of a very brief but intense relationship, and thankfully, by the time we started bipolar i'd pretty much gotten over it. so, i haven't yet had the pleasure of writing any serious relationship posts, since i've not had the pleasure of being involved in any relationships for the past year. i like to think that i'm just being picky and waiting for the right girl to come along, but i suppose i'm really just fucking shy as hell.

i'm probably about 20 pounds heavier than i was a year ago, but i've recently started trying to work out on a semi-regular basis to try and get back down to a more ideal weight. most of my friends say they can't or can only barely tell. of course, they're my friends, what else are they gonna say?

so, with all that's happened, it's been an interesting year. it's strange to realize that i have a record of quite a bit of that time. i've attempted to keep diaries in the past, but never been very successful (thus, my seeming inability to post on a daily basis). you are all witness to my longest running continuous diary. don't you feel special.

well, here's to another year and all the fun and excitement that it might bring. for those of you who've been here since early on, i hope you've enjoyed participating in our lives, and to you newcomers, thanks for reading… stick with us, the party's just begun.