find of the day…while looking at the cover of the first sunspring cd and pining over the beautiful vision of punk girl holiness on the cover, i decided to try to find a webpage to link a sunspring ref to…well i found it. the official slamdek records homepage. my life is now complete. scott ritcher is now allowed to be my friend again.

other than that, shit…it's all downhill…

note to self: rotten.com is a really bad place to visit right after eating.

there are apparently two versions of the playstation 2 floating around the u.s….looks like there is a difference in the driver versions for the dvd player and the actual "browser" part of the system…

adam is right…ebay is a great place to look for effects pedals…

time to get back to enjoying my day off…

weekend…meet weekday. know thy enemy.

well we went to a party at this warehouse this weekend. i was the only one of our group not in costume (or so it seemed…i was actually in disguise as a well adjusted member of society!). our friend brax was wearing this hilarious pimp suit with a giant afro wig. pretty funny stuff. anyway, we all proceeded to drink way too much and stand around pseudo-socializing as people normally do at parties. fun was had by all.

the playstation2 has yet to suck my brain out. i haven't had time to sit down with it for longer than 20 minutes at a time, so that's probably the reason. we did, however watch disc 2 of fight club on it, and the dvd playback is pretty nice.

if you have any old effects pedals you don't want and/or need, …i'm stockpiling for a future experiment.

hope bob doesn't notice i'm stealing lines out of his songs for update titles…guess i better learn to be more obscure.

i posted the national acrobat show to transmission3000 this weekend. it's a radio broadcast they did out in New Jersey. it's not the best sound quality in the world, but damn it's fuckin' funny. it has to be heard to be believed…

this is why exploding dog is so great.

argh…back to the grind…

damn. closing time and I can't really think of anything to write about. maybe i'll get some inspiration later tonight…

i just spent 15 minutes playing rock, paper, scissors against a computer. it's definitely time to go home.

oh. a friend pointed out memepool to me the other day. check it out, lot's o links.

well it looks like the server is spending a little downtime. so while it's taking a nap, i'll update bipolar and post it later…

in recent news: bob from hey mercedes has now set up a weblog to chronicle his work rantings, and maybe an occasional hey mercedes newsbit. it's called "are you wearing a wire" and is supposedly named after an as-of-yet unperformed new hey mercedes song.

welcome kerry back, ladies and gentlemen. looks like kerroo is back in business…of a sort.

adam has updated kempa.com again. like he mentions…twice in a row. seems like he's back on track…

it is now playstation2 day, so you probably won't see me around much for a couple of days…

the national acrobat show over at transmission3000 will have to wait until we get some ftp problems ironed out. looks like a l'il something got goofed and i don't have access to update the site right now. ah well…everything in its right place, eh?

and in closing…the coolest website i've found all week: exploding dog. enjoy.

from Merriam-Webster OnLine Dictionary:

as in, something i am trying not to be, to her.

it's amazing how similar life can be for so many different people, so many similar experiences, so many similar feelings, wants, needs, hopes, fears. i was having trouble thinking of what i was going to write about today, so i took a few moments to read the latest posts on jack's site and almost immediately knew what i had to write about today.

it's been almost a week since I talked to her, the last time being only briefly on the phone last tuesday, following that nice, grueling discussion we'd had on monday. for some reason i can't feel that it's over, that this chapter in my history is really closed yet. i suppose that's why it's been so difficult to write about it at times, there's been no real closure.

we both know each other too well to totally discount the possibilities.

one of the things she said to me, or asked me rather, when we were talking, and that added to the thought that perhaps she really has grown up somewhat, was a pointed question about me. she asked me what it was that i was afraid of. what scared me. i couldn't really answer that, but i was pretty sure i knew what she was getting at. i mean, i'm not totally fearless, but i couldn't think of anything at that moment that really scared me, or that i worried about. i'm in a pretty happy place right now, i've got a good job, making decent money, i'm actually paying utility bills on time, and may even be able to start paying off other debts shortly. anyway, she supplied my answer for me.

"i think," she said, "you're afraid of being alone."

and you know, she's probably right. at times i very much fear that i will spend the rest of my life without someone with whom to share it. i have the most wonderful friends anyone could ever ask for, but sometimes that's just not enough. and it's just made worse by the idea that i've been so close to her, and others as well, that i thought we'd be together forever. even still, i could see myself with her.

i've grown up some myself, i don't think i'm as afraid of being alone as i was when she knew me. i still am to a point, but i also know that i can make it on my own.

well…it's a new day, and i'm stuck on a seemingly old obsession. i can't shake the thoughts of the ex-girlfriend that i share my workplace with. maybe i need to drop her a friendly email…

anyway, it looks like radioheadfans.com is continuing their trend of posting songs from recent radiohead shows. they now have live audio from the show saturday night at the greek in la. and find of all finds, they have the songs from the snl performance in beautiful .mpg movies. crystal clear…

i, myself, am working on getting the national acrobat radio broadcast posted to transmission3000. i should be loaded on the server sometime in the next day or so, so look for it by the middle of the week.

i am now officially poor for the next 2 weeks. i payed off my playstation2 in full on friday, so i'll be out of commision for a few days following this coming thursday. but i don't see it as a loss of money…i just gained a game system and a dvd player.

blah.

well, it's official. SyncIt is one of the best tools i've downloaded in quite some time. it's almost totally unobtrusive, (all you have to ever deal with, directly–after setup anyway–is the little system tray icon…), and it works like a charm. imagine my surprise when I opened up Netscape today and actually checked my bookmarks, and found that they'd also been whipped into shape by SyncIt! I haven't used netscape's bookmarks in ages, not since I (ugh. groan.) started using IE on a regular basis. And, not really having read the instructions to the program that much at all, i'd just assumed it was going to work its magic only on IE… silly me.

so anyway. it's pretty damn cool.

**update 12/17/2004** it's also pretty much defunct. see bookmarksync on sourceforge

god this week has been rough. i haven't really felt awake almost the entire time. i'm not sleeping enough, and when I do sleep, I don't sleep very well. I'm gonna have to start exercising, cut down on my smoking, start eating right… damn sometimes i feel really fucking old.

note to self: i must be more oblique.

it's been kind of a weird few weeks, what with the "return" of the ex-girlfriend, and i've had quite a bit on my mind.

most recently, we shared a few hours together after she got off work one night, sitting out in the grass in back of the mall, talking about things. the majority of the things that i most wanted to say to her are basically forbidden in light of our previous relationship. i couldn't think of any way to say them without looking like I was "out to destroy" her current relationship just in order to get her back, which i'm not.

sure, i still care about her a great deal, still have very deep feelings for her, and still think she is — despite the many mistakes she's made, and the amount of growing up she still needs to do — she is still a wonderful girl. if i thought i could get her back and we'd be perfectly happy, and everything would be wonderful, i'd probably try. but i know that things aren't that easy.

she is still with "idiot-jerk" and decidedly unhappy. this much came out in our hour & 1/2 long conversation the other night, wherein she, without my prompting, vocalized many of the observations and concerns about her that had been occupying my own thoughts. the fact that she knows what kind of situation she's in, that she can articulate the many problems, gives me hope that maybe she really has grown up a bit. still, she continues to endure her situation, and even admits to not having the "strength" at this point to end it (because it's been going on so long).

do you know how frustrating it is to be able to see so clearly how wrong things are and to not be able to do anything about them? i'm sure some of you do, i'm sure some of you have the same vision i have, the same ability to understand how people work… and i'm sure it drives you fucking nuts, just like it does me. do I sound like I'm tooting my own horn here? saying "I understand people!" possibly, but it's more a curse than anything really desirable.

i wish i could just say "end it," "let go," "wake up," or something similar, but I can't. it's something she has to do on her own. if i cause it, if i influence it anymore than just pointing it out to her, then it's not going to do her any good. perhaps if she can — separate herself from the situation — she can find herself, gain that strength that she needs, and learn the lessons she's being taught. if i can help her do that, without compromising the process, i will try.

anyway. this shit's been keeping me up at night, and I had to get it off my chest. thanks for listening.