it's been kind of a weird few weeks, what with the "return" of the ex-girlfriend, and i've had quite a bit on my mind.

most recently, we shared a few hours together after she got off work one night, sitting out in the grass in back of the mall, talking about things. the majority of the things that i most wanted to say to her are basically forbidden in light of our previous relationship. i couldn't think of any way to say them without looking like I was "out to destroy" her current relationship just in order to get her back, which i'm not.

sure, i still care about her a great deal, still have very deep feelings for her, and still think she is — despite the many mistakes she's made, and the amount of growing up she still needs to do — she is still a wonderful girl. if i thought i could get her back and we'd be perfectly happy, and everything would be wonderful, i'd probably try. but i know that things aren't that easy.

she is still with "idiot-jerk" and decidedly unhappy. this much came out in our hour & 1/2 long conversation the other night, wherein she, without my prompting, vocalized many of the observations and concerns about her that had been occupying my own thoughts. the fact that she knows what kind of situation she's in, that she can articulate the many problems, gives me hope that maybe she really has grown up a bit. still, she continues to endure her situation, and even admits to not having the "strength" at this point to end it (because it's been going on so long).

do you know how frustrating it is to be able to see so clearly how wrong things are and to not be able to do anything about them? i'm sure some of you do, i'm sure some of you have the same vision i have, the same ability to understand how people work… and i'm sure it drives you fucking nuts, just like it does me. do I sound like I'm tooting my own horn here? saying "I understand people!" possibly, but it's more a curse than anything really desirable.

i wish i could just say "end it," "let go," "wake up," or something similar, but I can't. it's something she has to do on her own. if i cause it, if i influence it anymore than just pointing it out to her, then it's not going to do her any good. perhaps if she can — separate herself from the situation — she can find herself, gain that strength that she needs, and learn the lessons she's being taught. if i can help her do that, without compromising the process, i will try.

anyway. this shit's been keeping me up at night, and I had to get it off my chest. thanks for listening.