i think we all know the feeling, that moment that we all have experienced at least once, where you just feel like everything you do is not enough, where you feel that your life is completely worthless, and where, just for a moment, you really really wish that there was some way to just give up. well, about 4:15 this afternoon, i walked out on one of the loading docks at the back of my building, and this feeling just washed over me. i was soaked with it, drowning in it, but there was no reason for it to be there. it was the strangest thing. i sincerely felt, for that moment, that every little struggle that life throws at us is completely, utterly pointless. in fact, it was such an odd thing, there being, as i said, no real reason for it, that i pointed it out to my buddies who were out there with me. of course, by the time i was able to articulate it, the tide itself had passed, and i was only feeling the little substance that remained as it drained away from me.

don't look for me to explain it, or to launch into some great exposition about how it's not true, life's not pointless, things aren't as dismal as they seem, because though i don't really believe it, i also can't firmly deny it. if there is a point to life, it's as i explained to a friend the other day… our one and only purpose for being here, alive in this universe, is to reproduce and continue the cycle of life and death. and lest you misunderstand me, i'm not talking from a spiritual perspective at all here, i'm referring merely to our biological imperative and reason for being. the spiritual or even theological side of the argument is an entirely separate side of the coin.

anyway, the past weekend was very enjoyable. spent some time with some friends i don't get to hang out with much, and had a great time. paul's drinking buddy (and music playing buddy, and just general all-around buddy, i guess) neil showed up ,and when told that paul was with us, his (somewhat tongue in cheek) remark was "Alright! Paul's here! Now i can DRINK!" maybe that's too much of an inside joke to really be funny here, but believe me, it is funny.

that bad bad girl sharon still hasn't updated her page, since even my last update, so everyone be sure to visit and tell her to write something. i mean, really, if i've updated twice since her last update, something needs to be done.

finally, my sister finally finished her self-described NC17 story (which started here) which turned out to be as funny as the first part suggested. my poor naive little sister. of course, i'd have been had just as easily.

well, gee, i guess that'll do for today, don't wanna overwhelm anybody. i really need to post more often so i don't have to play catch up every time. oh, and speaking of updating more often, our illustrious former web-host and all-around systems brainiac just chastised me for not having updated my web-cam in almost a month. i'll see if i can't get 'er up and running tonight, and at least get a fresh picture up there.

this morning i did the most retarded thing i could possibly imagine…i called her. i didn't talk to her for long, but i somehow convinced her to meet me at the airport before i head down to boston. that was fine and dandy until the following exchange happened:

her: "i can only stay until 4."
me: why?
her: "i'm going to plymouth."
me: to see him?
her: "yes."
:::insert sound of a heart being broken into a million pieces and then set on fire:::

yes, indeedy…it'll be a wonderful day.

one good thing about today, i made quick friends with jay. he and i have been bonding over women and what insane, evil creatures they can be. notice i said "can be." jay and i have officially renamed "him" to "Little Bastard Boy #3." yes sir…it's official. my hate machine is in full gear. to quote the jay: women are "the iranian terrorists of the airline of love."

well said.

yesterday i left work early. i climbed into my car and drove until i was in fear of running out of gas. in some small town in indiana, i decided to fill the tank back up and try to get home. i spent yesterday trying to run away from a situation that is causing me a great deal of pain. i realized, when i got back home, that that situation isn't going to go away, no matter how much running i do.

what happens when you give someone all you have to give, to the point where you have nothing left for yourself?

my impending trip to go see her this friday has been cancelled and uncancelled, all in one day. jack decided maybe it would be better for me if i came out there anyway, maybe just to hang in boston and get away from home for a little while. maybe he's right. i just know that i won't be able to climb off of that plane, not wanting to see her. i know i'll scan the crowd, every face, just to see if she decided to show up. there's some hope in the back of my mind, deep down in my heart, that she will show up. that just makes me feel all the more foolish.

what do you do when the person you love unconditionally tells you they've "fallen out of love" with you? what do you do when that person tells you there is someone else? what do you do when you try as hard as humanly possible to hold yourself together long enough to see this person, and they tell you not to come? what do you do when this person tells you they don't want to speak again, yet the last words they say to you is "i love you"?

in the past week i have lost all sense of what love is. i really don't know where i'm supposed to go from this point. i should be typing all of this in an email to her, but it would do no use. and that's how i feel. without use.

you'd think i'd have this whole breaking up thing down to a science. god knows i've been dumped more times than i can even count. pretty much every girl that has ever been stupid enough to date me has sent me packing. so like i said…you'd think i'd be used to it by now.

point of contention amongst my friends: despite everything that has happened over the past week, i'm still going to visit her next weekend. i mean…i did buy the tickets. it would be a total waste of $200 to not go. and i've got a back up plan: if things don't go so well, i call jack and i spend the weekend seeing boston. at the very least, i'll be seeing him on monday, if everything turns out fine. my main reason for going, though, is that she wants me to. some people are gonna look at me askance over that one, but what do i care? i've always had a streak for self-destruction. i won't deny it. but i'd like to hold some hope out that maybe something can be worked out. i mean…she wouldn't be harsh enough to want me to fly out just to give me my t-shirt back, right?

there is one thing giving me pause, though. she's doing the whole not talking to me thing again. i just can't deal with that. don't tell me you still want to talk to me and then always have an excuse not to. that's maddening. it's the age-old adage about actions and words, y'know? i know i should try to let some of this die down over the next week. give us both a little time to think about what we want (even though she sounds pretty damn certain, already) and how we want my visit to play out. but…i feel like someone has smashed me in the chest with a sledgehammer…and i'd honestly do anything to have this feeling go away.

i apologize that my side of things have been so morose lately. i'll try to make an effort to not be such a downer next time.

but hell…everyone loves some drama, right?

right?

sitting at work, nursing a bottle of orange juice. nursing a monster headache. nursing some bloodshot eyes after sleeping only about three hours last night. i feel like the walking fucking dead. a regular zombie, you might say. never fear…i have yet to develop a taste for brains.

today is my last day of work for the week. i'm off on fridays and saturdays, so that should help get me back on some sort of sleep track. i'll be able to sleep late and all that hooey tomorrow. wouldn't that be nice?

i just got done giving brad directions to the zone. he's gonna happily wander in there to do his weekly comic buying at a 10% discount. i even recommended that he go to the cafe and order the "bh-1", my very own named special. how big of a geek am i? come on, people…give me the geek love.

did i mention that those tame.net girls update even less than we do? well consider it mentioned.

it looks like ben has finally gotten the kilowatthours website stuff straightened out. it's about time. i was tired of hearing him bitch and complain about it being down. he was starting to sound like me.

gesture? oh, molly…i'm so curious…

ironically enough, i'm thinking about chinese for lunch today. ha ha. i kill me. maybe my fortune will say something really upbeat like "you will get run over by a truck." and then on the back it'll say "twice."

$.99 for a 10 oz. bottle of orange juice from concentrate. what kind of soulless rip-off is that? and they charged me tax! orange juice! does the punishment never end?

late night again. i can't sleep for shit anymore. i spend most of the pre-dawn hours staring in the general direction of the ceiling, just wishing that when i closed my eyes i wouldn't see her face. this will be the fourth night in a row. i wonder how much longer i can last. i guess somewhere in there i am sleeping, because i know i keep waking up from horrible dreams. all the more reason to not close my eyes.

i was at work today, trying not to think of things too much, which in it self is a monumental task. work plus misery equals just a lot more misery. keep that in mind. anyway, i was digging in my pocket for some change to get a soda and i ran across an old fortune from a cookie i had a while back. foolishly, i pulled it out to give it a gander, only to have more depression stare me in the face.

"an old wish will come true."

i remember how i felt when i got that fortune. i remember cynically remarking how none of my wishes ever come true, so there's a wide selection to choose from. i was in a better place with her than i am now, so i was wistful enough to wonder if any of my wishes pertaining to her were old enough to count. then i thought, with a smirk on my face, that it would be my luck for the fortune's magic to conjure up something from the distant past, like a bb gun, or perhaps the cool cobra commander with the hood instead of the metal faceplate.

and today when i looked at it, i just felt pain. none of those wishes came true, just as i've grown accustomed to them not. i've pretty much given up on wishes. as soon as you make one, you're doomed to never get what you want in life.

i read the fortune, felt it hit me like a ten ton truck, and then quickly stuck it back in my pocket. maybe i'll find it again on a happier day and not have to feel what i felt when i read it today.

as i walked back to my desk, i tried to clear my head and could only think of one thing to say…

"fuck you, confucius."

on a lighter note…thanks to jack, i was able to discover a killer little web app that helps me hatch my own evil plan. all part of a beautiful site called "so you've decided to be evil." tell me that's not good, wholesome fun.

my plan:

Your objective is simple: World Domination
Your motive is a little bit more complex: Revenge

Stage One:

To begin your plan, you must first Blackmail a Diplomat. This will cause the world to sit up and take notice, stunned by your arrival. Who is this Evil Genius? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in Classic Black?

Stage Two:

Next, you will Seize control of United Nations. This will cause countless hordes of Robot Warriors to flock to you, begging to do your every bidding. Your name will become synonymous with Metal, as lesser men whisper your name in terror.

Stage Three:

Finally, you will Unleash your Armies of Destruction, bringing about Something That's Really Metal. This will all be done from a Underground Secret Headquarters of Doom, an excellent choice if we might say. These three deeds will herald the end, and the citizens of this planet will have no choice but to elect you their new god.

Trust us, it'll all come together in the end.

hump day again, folks, and today it really is comics day. (last week's was postponed 24 hours on account of easter).

for some reason, it seems like the weeks have just been flying by lately… there's no break, no pause. perhaps it's got something to do with the fact that i keep myself busy doing meaningless stuff on the computer or hanging out with friends. i really need to get out of the house more. at the very least, i'm hoping to start taking my laptop with its freshly charged batteries out on the back deck and doing some writing when i get home from work in the evenings.

BTW, thank the great oogly-moogly for bartelby.com.

so, this weekend was pretty fun, except for the fact that the instigator of the supposedly two-day affair bailed out by calling the Wicked Witch of the West (his bitch girlfriend) around midnight or so and leaving with her. i swear if she didn't owe him almost 2 grand, i'd kick her ass to the curb myself and lock him in his room without his phone for a week.

but, nevertheless, while people where there, the party was pretty damned fun, me happily prepping and grilling the food, and later climbing up on top of the garage with everyone else, me with a half-glass of whiskey in my hand that brian insisted i drink (since he was kind enough to bring the bottle with him when he came), and all of us hooting and hollering at what was at best an average fireworks display.

having finished yet another accelerated development project here at work, i've had a little time today to get back to reading some of my favorite blogs. puffin-a-go-go's a given since we spend and obscene amount of time together (y'know, being buddies and all), and there's also sharon (who hasn't updated in a couple days… much like yours truly), and my favorite sister whose most recent post has a long and funny story tacked onto the end. sara (my sister) has been trying really hard to keep a daily routine going with her blog, despite being horribly overworked. but, y'know, as i like to explain it, she may be horribly overworked, but she's horribly overworked in FRANCE. and finally, a post from a few days ago on murmur where tim serves up what is a really great metaphor in general, and really great for the way i myself have been feeling for a while now… except i'm still stuck in the "lost my keys" stage.

oh, and on Sunday, i went through the whole ordeal of reinstalling windows yet again, in an attempt to stabilize my system, which really can never work since i'm running on windows. perhaps i should just say screw it and learn me some linux.

i spent the majority of yesterday laying on the couch, staring at the ceiling. i've been through the emotional wringer, these past few days, and i'm completely spent.

on the occasion of gaining a new ex-girlfriend, i ended up going out with two separate ex-girlfriends of days past. ironic, huh? i had lunch with angie because i was hungry and tired of sitting around the house wanting to die. we went out to friday's and had huge mixed drinks and pissed and moaned about our lives. me…i have girl troubles, her…she's married. that about sums it up. i hung out while she drove around picking up job applications (she was recently let go by my esteemed company), which really turned into hanging out in the bookstore for a bit. i decided to go home and mope some more, which i proceeded to do for the remainder of the evening.

that is, until jess came home. she saw my gloomy mood and cooked us some garlic cheese bread (a delicacy that i taught her how to create) that i ended up eating about 3 bites of. it was late in the evening and jess decided we should go out and see josie and the pussycats. the idea was, if anything, it was an hour and a half of staring at rachael leigh cook. can't beat that with a stick.

after that it was home for more full-on staring at the ceiling action. i chit-chatted for a while on the ol' computer, but for the most part it was a rather uneventful, sleepless night.

for the record: she said she'd call and she didn't. how pathetic am i to mention that?

and now i'm at work, most likely casting out tons of negative energy, but i don't really care. isn't that what work is for? to ruin your day?

hrm…maybe she'll call tonight…