count three beats. exhale.

i always thought the saying "drowning in misery" was kinda extreme, but now i realize there is no misery quite like your own. you have to hate days where you can look back and say to yourself "no…i don't think i've ever been as miserable as i have been today." that's a low point that is misery, just thinking about it.

two beats.

it's not really possible to fuck up any more than i have tonight, i don't think. it's really inconceivable that anyone could fuck anything up as rapidly as i have been destroying things over the past two days. i'm baffled by it. it drives me crazy that all i can seem to do is the exact opposite of what i want to do.

the last beat, rumbling off into the distance.

i just want to mean something. i feel like i used to, but it's all been evaporating lately, probably through my own doing. i want the things i write and say to hold as much weight to someone as they do to me. it's not easy to say some of the things we, as humans, say to each other. it's not easy to lay your heart out on the ground and take a few paces back. it's horrible to see that heart turn from being an offering, given only from your own ridiculous need to connect to someone, to a line in the sand. from a gift to a separator of warring sides.

silence.

what do you do when you realize you can never be with the girl of your dreams? what can you do when you have to look in the mirror and understand that, no matter how hard you tried, it all amounted to nothing? is it still defeat if you're just losing to yourself?

breath in.

repeat.