if they named a section of books after you on amazon.com, what kind of books would be in that section?
nerd books. classic fantasy and sci-fi nerd books, children's books, and pop culture gems. william gibson, nick hornby, ursula leguin, tolkien, etc.

what laws do you habitually break and why haven't you been caught?
i jaywalk constantly, and i have been known to provide alcohol to minors. i don't get caught because i am slick. why else?

do you think it's unfair that you don't get caught for these serious crimes when i had to go to jail for a mere traffic violation?
dreadfully unfair, especially since when i have access to a car, i speed regularly. however i have never done 57 in a 35 zone or whatever your ridiculous mph was, so on the other hand, it's completely fair. especially to the young'uns who i help to get drunk.
i habitually speed. that's not the issue here.
22 miles over the speed limit is a bit excessive, even for a habitual speeder. unless you're in a 55 zone, that is. you almost doubled the posted limit, sir hall.
i thought the speed limit was 45 and i was passing a crazy driving suv that cut me off at a stop light.
i think they get more angry at you when you don't even know what the speed limit is. a good driver is an attentive driver, or some shit.
ahem…next question…
ahem

name a situation you've been in in the past month where you thought "damn i wish i had a monkey."
well, let me think.
or a situation where a monkey would have been useful.
isn't a monkey always useful?
i'll ask the questions, if that's okay…
if this monkey was trained to steal beers from behind bar counters without ever getting caught, i'd like to have him whenever i go out.
fair enough. i was looking for a specific situation.
i think i need to up the number of monkey-enhanced situations in my life.

how many fingers am i holding up?
my psychic powers indicate that it must be three, a most powerful number that carries well over telephone lines.
wrong. i wasn't holding up any fingers. you think i was gonna wait on you?
my psychic powers are unreliable.
certainly appears so.

when was the last time you had a "hallmark moment"? what was this "moment"?
you're asking me all the hard ones. am i getting this question because i'm a girl?
quit implying that this is a sexist question.
i don't see you asking any guys about their hallmark moments.
most questions are only asked once. would you like me to change the question to "6. when was the last time you stuffed something (or had something stuffed) up your ass?"
no, that's quite alright. besides, the answer to that is a definite "never", and that's no fun.
didn't think so.
yet my life seems to be oddly devoid of hallmark moments. perhaps they've failed to entrap me into their not-so-clever marketing scheme. actually i am trying to think up a hallmark moment for today but it's just not fucking working.
what about when you broke up with your boyfriend? wasn't there a hallmark moment involved in that? like you could have sent him a card that said "sorry i'm dumping you"?
with kitties and puppies or something?
sure. or maybe a monkey making a stupid kissy face?
somehow i think that would have been entirely inappropriate. my last hallmark moment was when a good friend told me he would be poland in a conflict i was having with another friend. just that sentence, "we've agreed to be poland." hallmark could use it on their conflict cards. which i'm sure they're coming out with one of these days.
they should have like…late period "near miss" cards.
"i'm happy to hear you're buying tampons again." hrm, that just doesn't work.
they would say "so glad you're bleeding".
straightforward and effective.

how do you feel about ben refusing to call bryan by his real name?
i think ben is entitled to call brad whatever he feels brad's real name should be, though i think his intentions are less than honorable. however i do feel that brad is undeniably a brad, and that ben is simply misguided in this matter. all these b names are making my head hurt.

[molly is the first girl to be officially interviewed for seven questions. she posts almost every day to her diaryland site, as well as numerous other little writing hidey-holes she has across the net. she's also newly single and in need of a stalker. i hear she drinks like a fish and has some hot friends.]