grillburn…that sounds like a pretty bad condition. and don't you think "american typewriter" is a bit artsy/emo?
yeah…i forgot it was a braid song, but you know…fuck you. that's not emo. no emo kid would be confrontational enough to say fuck you to anyone…grillburn…that comes from me actually falling on the grill at a shitty job i had flipping burgers
yeah?
yeah, this bitch was mopping under my feet and started hitting my shoes with a wet mop…i fell right on the grill with my arms
ouch.
luckily i have no visible scars. or i'd be like kevin spacey in pay it forward.

what was the last record you bought? and did you really just get it for the justin timberlake guest track?
the last record i bought was from the itunes music store, actually…it was hum's "downward is heavenward"…don't knock jt, bitch! he's my dawg
he did play bass for the flaming lips once….

do you still blame me for that one time?
yeah…you shouldn't have done that…i mean, did you even think about the consequences to your actions? did it cross your mind once that it could affect me in any way? god……sometimes i don't think you listen to me…
i don't. but that's the way shit goes, really.
you're not getting any tonight, buster
don't i know it.

are you pissed that sebastian has done two of these things and it's taken you this long to get your first?
no…i'm not pissed at all…i undersatnd that you could be a little overwhelmed at the idea of interviewing someone as cool and hip and trendy (not to mention smart, funny, etc) as me.
yeah…right.
so you put it off, big deal
keep telling yourself that one.
i'm oblivious to my own ego.

when was the last time you saw a flesh and blood monkey in person? none of that audioanimatronic shit, either.
busch gardens, 1999…i think
i imagine a wistful sigh.
hah!

what do you remember most about the last time you got piss drunk and blacked out?
i remember i woke up with all my friends' signatures on my ass in sharpie…and i remember their sigs not coming off for a week and a half.
your ass? brilliant!
yeah…it was my 21st birthday. those fuckers. they wrote "exit only" on it, also.
well…at least there's that.

if you were a ninja, what would be the first three things you did?
i think i would like to be surrounded by a bunch of tough guys that look like "thugs" from 80's action flicks. i would be in the sand, and they would surround me in a complete circle…then i would throw a smoke bomb and when it cleared, i would be gone…they would all walk away dumbfounded…then, when the coast was clear, you'd see me digging my way out of the sand…like in american ninja 3.
that's only one thing. you got two more ninja activities to bust out.
then i would like to scale a building with suction cups, and sneak into a hotel room, kill a guy with a pick made of ice while he's in the shower, and then the murder weapon would just melt away.
and for my last one…i would like to have a gigantic rat for a master
bitchin'. i read that ice shiv shit in a prison story once.
i saw that in a movie called "deadly life of a ninja."
fuckin' badass.

[mike used to post over at grillburn.org (now defunct) and now tells it like it is over at american typewriter. he also has an unnatural prediliction for that whole .org thing.]

how has your life changed since the last time you've answered seven questions?
we got a kitten and named her seven questions. oh… wait… we named her coletta.
but can your cat really be as cool as clyde?
yeah, she watches tv when we do. it's pretty funny.

would you rather be a rock star, a movie star, a porn star, or the the star of a really cool mountain dew commercial? why?
i'd say movie star because i could still do acceptable projects on the side even after i was agent s. in "men in black III: aliens, dude, aliens." i don't think that too many major music stars have respectable side deals, porn stars change careers to do something without deep dicking, and i don't think you can get much cooler than a really cool mountain dew commercial, so my career would have met its premature peak.

what's the largest primate you'd be willing to carry around on your back for a week?
i think this is the answer where i say "your mom, and already have done it, bro!" and you punch me in the junk the next time i see you.

what's your favorite household cleaning product?
this powder that you sprinkle on the carpet and vacuum up… it makes that terrible orgy smell go away in a jiffy.

if you were taken prisoner by a bunch of retarded terrorists and forced to eat 16 lbs. of pop-ice, which flavor would you eat first and which would you save for last?
i think that i'd have a green one first and an orange one last, because i don't want to be stuck with the taste of those horrible pink ones in my mouth for very long.

what's the craziest thing that's ever gone down at the ice rink?
hm, there was one time when I wore a sash and a headband of police tape for five hours, had a contest to see who could hit the main office door (no one was in) with a roller hockey ball, and then, if memory serves, "had" to play ice hockey for about an hour to tear up the ice for a broomball group.

pick any question from a past "seven questions" to answer.
do all cops dress like mounties up there?
look brian, just 'cause i live in central illinois and you live in the "center of the known universe" (a.k.a. louisville) doesn't mean that i actually live in goddamn canada.
but yeah, for some reason, they all do dress up like mounties, or at least on mondays, which might be mountie monday. I don't know. damn fuzz.

[sebastian was the first person to be officially interviewed for seven questions. he still does new artillery, but it looks different now. so does he.]

what's it like being 16? i keep forgetting, in my old age…
it sucks. the only good parts are that my threat of "when i have a car, i'm going to fucking run you over" is much closer to being a reality and i get a really fucking cheap lunch. where else can you get a hamburger, soup, slushie, milk and french fries for a $1.40. that's top notch. otherwise, it's just school and some more school.

how's that beard coming along?
i'm still working on it. chalk that up to being a disadvantage to being sixteen. i look like a chipmunk or something. you've got to keep it low-key at this age so you don't look like you're trying too hard to be cool. do you ever find anything interesting in your beard, like food, insects, small children, etc?
not really. i bet junior from casket lottery has all kinds of problems like that, though…
when I get my beard, i don't want that whole crusty scary old man pedophile look.

what three bands would you have play your 21st birthday party? why?
based on all the drinking stories you've told me, i'll have to say coalesce and the kilowatthours. i would've added the hey mercedes, but really, i don't want no naked dudes in my jacuzzi if i were to have one. for a third, i'll say the reincarnated dead corpse of jeff buckley. why? because reincarnated dead corpses are fucking cool, that's why.
zombies are the life of the party, man.
think of all the fun you could have with a zombie though. legs for arms, arms for legs. it'd be like a lego dude.
what if coalesce said they'd only play the party if they had 6 midgets onstage and you punched your mom and the eye?
hell, i'd chop off my legs to be one of the midgets. i'll punch my mom in the eye and then take one of the zombie arms and beat her with it if it means the 'lesce would play.

don't you hate it when you eat more than one skittle at a time and it just becomes one big skittle mass in your mouth? or the oreo residue that unfailingly ends up in the corners of your mouth when you go on a binge?
i'll agree that the oreo residue sucks but i love that big skittle mass. sometimes i'll down 15 skittles just to get that huge mass.
that's gross…it's like chewing crusty gum.
what pisses me off even more about oreos are the colored filling ones. you'd think with red icing it'd change the color of the milk to red. i left one in the milk for an hour and the milk was brown, not red. and that milk tasted like crap afterwards.
i bet. i'm not into those new wussy colors they're trying to add to m&m's, either.
i saw they had carmel m&m's. i tasted one and it was nasty. It's only plain or peanut. plain and peanut all the way.

what has happened more recently: you punched someone or you were punched by someone?
hmm, i was punched by a teacher the other day. he told he was going to shove something up my ass if i hit him again. he then proceeded to punch me and got me down on the floor. from there it took an ugly turn. i was down on the ground losing this fight. said teacher decides he has to get my ass in the open so he can shove something up it. that's when the teacher's hand grabbed my ass. it's all good though because he bought me a bunch of food to eat for dinner the one time. hell, if someone buys me dinner, they can touch my ass all they want. yes, that's an offer.
is this supposed to sound as scarily homosexual as it does?
i'm not the one who grabbed my ass. i didn't enjoy but i can forgive.

you're 16…that must be hell on your love life. what about monkeys? when was the last time you formed a bond with a monkey?
probably 1994 or 1995. i had this stuffed monkey, the one from aladdin. i'd be lying to you if i said i hadn't slept with it.
that sounds pretty intense.
yeah, but i've also slept with my guitar. i guess i'm pretty easy if you're an inanimate object.

make a top 5 list. subject of your own choosing.
top 5 greatest things of all time:
5. that picture of sean ingram grabbing own ass from michigan fest
4. being sick when you have school
3. being healthy when you are home from school for an entire week for easter vacation
2. orange or purple pez candy. the yellow stuff is crap.
1. a pink lined gibson hardshell case. i swear that i would love to sleep in my case if i could. it'd be a sexy encounter with yet another inanimate object.

[steve posts regularly to his own weblog and can be found haunting the coalesce message board almost daily. he says he feels like he's become a man now that he's done seven questions.]

so you're high right now? what brought that about?
now? yes. definitely. our pipe that we affectionately call dr. grabow brought it. but dr. grabow is currently broken, which makes me a little sad.
so you had to improvise?
well, see brian… not to get all high-talk on you, but… i had to remove the stem of old dr. grabow (he's actually an old wooden tobacco pipe, those glass things frighten me) because he was so clogged with resin. bobby, my neighbor with gold teeth, said he'll bring over some pipe cleaners and clean it for us. we don't have pipe cleaners
anyway, point being: you can still smoke grabow without his stem.

do you think it's a good thing that i have my favorite chinese restaurant in town on speed dial on the celly?
why on your celly and not on the ground line?
my ground line's speed dial is archaic, making it more of a nuisance.
and whatever, let's not talk about chinese food… let's talk about you calling your cell phone a "celly." how zack morris of you. have you seen him on NYPD blue? brilliant.
i was trying to be "hip" for about 30 seconds. my normal terminology is "ball and chain" or "handy."
normal to an ape.
moving right along…
just kidding.

what's the most fun you've ever had with a monkey?
my old roommate works at the city zoo and the zoo area of busch gardens. so, she's played with monkeys. she never let me play with the monkeys though, so actually — the whole monkey thing is a sore spot for me. i don't like to talk about it.
ironically, this same roommate also claimed she was into beastiality one evening when drunk. hm.
i've always wanted a monkey to comb my hair, though…

knowing bits and pieces of your past, how long should we expect to wait before you write your tell-all autobiography entitled "a girl and her retarded lovers"?
hahahaha! i like that title! very fitting. um, i think i have to wait for this bridget jones fan-wave to die down first. you know, lay low… plus, someone will probably want to sue me … again.
he backed off though, right?
yah, i guess i'm not as cowardly as i always think i am. he threatened and threatened, you know "defamation of character" and all that, but i was like "deny anything i've said, deny it!" cause i knew everything i wrote about him was true.
so yah, he tried to sue his school too…right before he threatened me. he didn't finish his master's thesis so they weren't going to let him graduate. he threatened with a lawsuit and they just gave it to him. the education system is so fabulous these days.

so how's the unicorn collection going?
unicorns! augh, you know this isn't even cool in an uncool sort of way but, i love unicorns. i think they're just the greatest. since i was little i've always loved unicorns, and of course its cousin, pegasus… i still have a lot of my old unicorn collection back at my parents house in atlanta. i started collecting on my own again a few years ago too. It's magical. unicorns are so magical. when i was a kid i used to imagine that the whole world was made of chef boyardee beef ravioli and unicorns. a year ago or so my friend simon and i were at a pizza place and he said he knew of this really large sattellite dish, on a freeway that goes to pennsylvania, that he could swipe for me. it's has like a 12 foot diameter, but he insists that he can manage it. he's living in pennsylvania again now, and promises me that the unicorn will still be mine.
what the hell does a satellite dish have to do with a unicorn?
oh, absolutely nothing. i think that it's a cover, like it transmits signals to alien spacecraft.

what's the funniest nickname you have ever come up with for someone?
um, i guess "african nugget"?
was there any reasoning behind that?
well, he was a czech dishwasher at a restaurant i worked at — he really liked chuck berry and cured salmon. sometimes dumb things just sort of tumble out of my mouth, and one day "african nugget" was one of those things. and he liked it. so we stuck with it.

what are three things the world should know about jackie carlson when she's stoned, for their own safety?
1. these days i've been really worried that my minor weight gain is going to turn into a major one. like, no matter what i eat or don't eat, or how much i exercise, i will just keep getting bigger and bigger. and the doctor's won't know what to do. and it'll be some new crazy disease called "the carlson" or something horrible. and i'll end up becoming the typhoid mary of our generation. i think that is my worst fear.
2. only come over to my house if you're ready for me to go "look at my kitties" every 5 seconds cause i think they're doing something really great, like sniffing carpet.
3. you're better off knowing me when i'm high.

[jackie posts semi-regularly to the asian book of wisdom, and likes to be referred to by the name of one of her cats. to the best of my knowledge, she is the first person to answer seven questions in any sort of altered state of being.]

how many times have you bitched out on seven questions, greg? why?
17.4
that only answers the first part, champ…
because i'm not witty enough, my banter can't compare with the others of the 7 question legacy. i had to hit the books for a while, study up like a professional.

since you've been studying seven questions for a while, what's your favorite question from the past? answer it.
the dinosaur jr. question was quality, only because so few recognize the greatness of that album. barlow was long gone by then, yet mascis still turned it the fuck on for that entire record.
he rocks like a motherfucker on that piece.
yes, i concur my brother. mr. j. mascis truly turned the rock levels up to a higher power on that particular disc of the most compact size.

have you been punched more than you've punched? tell me about the last time either happened…
i've definitely punched more, only because i'm quick like the french guy from mike tyson's punchout. i forget what his name was.
i think he was spanish. don flamenco.
the last time i threw down was actually a mistake. i was going to portray a fake punch on a cable access tv channel, but ended up punching a friend of mine in the dome.
you're an asshole, greg.
he just turned around and said "i think you just punched me in the face."

do you think you could be best friends with a monkey? what would you and your monkey friend do for fun?
yeah, i think i could definitely be friends with someone of the ape variety. any fun would definitely involve some sort of thievery. car chases, brief cases of diamonds and/or emeralds, identity theft, and explosives would probably be in there somewhere.
best friends, though?
it would be more of a working relationship. kind of a batman and robin thing.
dig.
but they weren't best friends tho…so there could be some issues.

if you could have one job in the world, what would it be? why?
definitely not being an accountant, which is unfortunately my present line of work. i think i'd have to go with an "office space"-ish answer and say i'd do nothing. for a while at least…then i'd fight godzilla and mothra in my spare time.
i'd take "benevolent world dictator for life."
"gentle world leader of love" would be popular with the ladies i'd bet.
totally.
you'd definitely have to be of "arch duke" status tho. that's the best title around.

if someone changed your name to funk-o-tron and you were cursed with an unremovable 70s cop show moustache, how do you think that would affect your daily life?
i'd definitely end up on the game show circuit eventually. but that would only follow a trip on the porn circuit (if there's such a thing). massive popularity would be looming around one of those corners, but i'd probably only be laughed at by kids with apple computers who'd put my moustache'd face on their $23 thrift store tee-shirts. i, sadly, probably wouldn't ever receive any royalties then die in a gutter in lansing, michigan.
it'd make a good made-for-tv movie that would probably be on at 4:30pm mountain-time on a saturday.
true.
would i have any musical talent? a name like "funk-o-tron" would easily guarantee me "supa emcee" status. my debut album would be in the bargain bin by 2pm the same day that it was released.

ask yourself a question and don't bitch out on the answer. topics: dead hookers and massive drug habits.
q: would i rather enter a room chock full of dead hookers or my grandparents fueled by speed?
a: i'd go with the "grandparents hyped up on goofballs room." it'd be a good laugh.
very true. my grandmother is awesome when she's drunk.
as long as she's not handing out hugs and kisses, drunk grandparents are alright in my book.
they're more prone to handing out money when they're wasted.
and by the way, my book is 29483.43 pages.

[greg posts fairly often to his weblog, you look good in black. he seems to post more pictures than words, these days. he also made the top 3 list of "bloggers most likely to spend time in jail."]

so how many people think you're a total metal kid because you have long hair, wear a leather jacket, and have a name that rhymes with death? is that a problem?
that used to happen quite a bit. it doesn't happen so much anymore since i started killing anyone who tries to talk to me about metallica. the name rhyming with death thing… well, i think that's pretty appropriate.

where would dinosaur jr.'s album where you been? fit into your top albums of all time list? and why?
even though i don't listen to it very often anymore, every time i do get it out, i think "damn, this album is awesome. i should listen to it more often." in terms of stuff i think i'll be able to get out in 20 years and still want to listen to, it's pretty up there. in the top fifteen, for sure. thinking about what albums i would want if i were stranded on a desert island with only a record player to entertain me, it'd definitely go. why? mostly because it rocks, but also because it makes me recall a time in my life that i really enjoyed, and i know i'll never experience again. so it's kind of a bittersweet experience for me.

how did it get to the point where you fix everything that i happen to break (cars, amps, computers, etc.)?
i think that's just because you break everything in a manner in which only i'm willing to fix it for less than the price of a new one. that and you're broke and i work for free. maybe that's the same reason.
heh. you never fix my phones, though.
i tried. but you break those on purpose, so i think they're a little more broken that everything else
true.

if you were on a tv show like fear factor and they said you had to eat some pig assholes to stay in the game, would you actually do it? or would you just punch the host in the eye and say "who's afraid now, motherfucker?"?
what the fuck is fear factor?
that show where they make them do all kinds of crazy shit to win not much money. like shoot guns, eat pig rectums, climb all the way across the underside of a helicopter while it's in the air, etc. it's a redneck's dream, man. one week they made everyone walk around naked in public. man i wish i could get paid to do that shit…
i'm going with option b: punch the host in the face and say something witty. then i'd punch the cameraman. just because he was filming it.

what's the longest you think you've ever gone without taking a shit?
when i was little i wouldn't use public bathrooms. and we'd drive cross country on vacation every year. i think about a week.
jesus. that had to be one hell of a dump at the end of the road…
let's not discuss that. it's an unpleasant memory and i'll thank you for not bringing it up again.
moving right along…

what's the last thing that you've done where you sat back and thought "yep…i'm the baddest motherfucker that has ever lived"?
i think that every day. i sat down in my chair today and thought, "yep…i'm the baddest motherfucker that has ever lived." i don't have to do anything special to think that, because i am the baddest motherfucker that has ever lived.
samuel l. jackson has nothing on me. i'd kick his fucking ass.
that's a bold statement, man…he's mace windu.
my dark jedi powers have not yet been unleashed upon the galaxy. or something.

if you could have an infinite supply of one snack food, what would it be and why?
ooh, hard one. probably pig rectums, though.
no fudgie-os?
my second choice, if pig rectums weren't available or didn't count as snack food.

[seth runs wraithsys and has been the stalwart host for transmission3000 for pretty much the entire time of it's existence. he's also stuck out bipolar longer than anyone else (even when we were doing terabytes of traffic), which we're eternally grateful for. he also fixes pretty much everything i manage to break without complaining too much. what a guy.]

can you do "it" without being lame?
if only you knew. i've never had any complaints. although..the girls tend to not stick around. this could mean something…
next!

have you ever not been obsessed with girls?
ouch. i can imagine that there was a brief time when i was a youngster where i thought girls were "icky." i can't really tell you when the changeover happened.

do you think obsession is a problem?
it's not a problem if i ignore the consequences.

first girlfriend: who broke up with who and why?
i broke up with her. because she lived too far away from me and i was 17 and didn't have a car.
did she live in "canada"? "near niagra falls?"
no. she lived in middletown. in douglass hills, to be precise.

who's your lamest ex-girlfriend and why?
my lamest ex-girlfriend would have to be this girl named vanessa. she stalked me for years after i broke up with her, even pretending like she was a lesbian to try to make me jealous (i'm serious!). of course…this didn't work and i just made fun of her. she used to come over to my house all the time and want to have sex. it was insane. i haven't seen her in a few years now, so i think i'm fairly safe, at this point. seth can corroborate almost all of this information.

who is the most lame person who might read this and why?
i really have to break down lame as in "lame by ben's standards" or "lame by my standards."
by ben's standards, of course.
lame by ben's standards: it would either be molly (because you can't resist getting a joke on her, not that either of us really thinks she's lame) or any number of the little 15 year-old girls who seem to be obsessed with the webcam.

what makes a woman like j. brian hall? what makes her dislike him?
to be honest, i wish i knew what women liked about me. maybe it's that i'm a nice guy and semi-attractive in a non-conventional way. i also tend to be funny and witty and have a natural ability to make people laugh. not always in a good way. most women don't like the fact that i like to eat with my feet.
is that it?
if i knew what women didn't like, i'd try like hell to stop doing it.

[j. brian hall tries to write witty things on this here website (called bipolar. you might have heard of it?) as often as possible. he also runs transmission3000 and may or may not like chicken. ben lord plays drums in kilowatthours and seems to think that this is the only way he can avoid having to deliver witty answers to insane questions.]

is your last name french or something? what the hell does it mean?
it is french canadian. it is a shortened version of the french name tanguay. it means "fuck off, i've heard all the insults and jokes because it's pronounced gay."

you said american boys can sometimes be cute. how do american boys go about being cute?
by pretending they are cuter than they actually are on their weblogs. sometimes, just sometimes, that can translate well into real life. i'll let you know if there's ever one with staying cute power. boys everywhere suck. except when they don't.
so on first judgement, would i be a "cute american boy", staying power not factored in?
in a self effacing sort of way, yes. you make me laugh. that is a heavy factor in cuteness.
what are some other factors? bushy emo eyebrows?
no, but i always make eyes at the indie boys walking down the street. however, i never do that at shows, mostly because i will see them at the next show, and the next show… and the next show. they will eventually have some indie girl that's cuter than me by their side.
other factors of cuteness:
witty remarks on life, the universe, and everything. good taste in music, but not snobbish. an ability to discuss heavy philosophical subjects, but also a need to watch brainless television.
i die for boys that wear rivers cuomo-like glasses, too. this isn't a boyfriend application.

does the expression "viva la france!" hold much weight, up there in canada? do people ever say "viva la canada!" and really mean it?
oh, dear. with regards to not being able to give a short canadian history lesson, let's just say this: french Canadians, mostly concentrated in quebec, have long been tossing around the concept of becoming their own country. i'm really neutral on the subject. quebec is, in my opinion, a distinct society, but they sure end up being snotty about it. canadians, on the other hand, are so unsure about their nationalism that it takes things like molson canadian beer commercials to stir up a frenzy. well, that and the hockey night in canada theme music.
there's an old joke that goes something like this:
what's a canadian's favourite sexual position?
doggy style, so they can both watch hockey night in canada.

do all cops dress like mounties up there?
no.
from their website: "the royal canadian mounted police is the canadian national police service and an agency of the ministry of the solicitor general of canada. The rcmp is unique in the world since it is a national, federal, provincial and municipal policing body. we provide a total federal policing service to all canadians and policing services under contract to the three territories, eight provinces (except ontario and quebec), approximately 198 municipalities and, under 172 individual agreements, to 192 first nations communities." in other words, they're the cops. they only get dressed up in red on special occasions.
that's a really boring answer, but i totally hate the stereotype.

being from the great white north, you'd probably be an authority on this…what would be the female equivalent of "ball-shrinkin' cold"?
nipples that can cut glass, baby.
sounds like some violent nipplage.
to avoid violent nipplage, wear warm clothes. to excite the alpha male, don't.
duly noted.
fuck sex and the city and their fake nipples. come to canada!

if you were turned into a monkey and were given a gun and 100 rounds of untraceable ammunition, what would be the first thing you'd do?
that's the stupidest question I've ever heard. dude, I'm a pacifist. It's a bad question to ask.
well…you can have the standard alternate: "6. when was the last time you stuffed something (or had something stuffed) up your ass?" i'd go with the monkey.
i'm waffling about which one to answer.
if you choose the latter, i will note that you declined to answer a "monkey" question.
haha. i'm so stuck. give me a minute.
tick tock.
here I thought you were going to say monkey or ass. you decide.
i'd go into showbiz. a talking monkey who knows too much about music and has a gun. pretty lucrative, i think.

ask yourself a question that reveals way too much about your sex life and then answer it, making sure to make a reference to a prodigious heroin habit.
q: kate, how sexually charged are you, really?
a: well, it all started when i discovered the lovely distraction of masturbation around age 12. few men have been able to make me climax like i can do for myself, but i find that to be true of many girls (men, read those maxim articles on how to please a woman!). among the most exciting masturbation escapades were times where i might be caught by others. one summer i was in montreal and had a roommate, so i'd time my love fests when i knew she'd be out, but perhaps if she came back early, she'd catch me. at the time i was reading naked lunch, which although is mighty fucked up because of burroughs' intense heroin habit, has some interesting sex bits that i was using as mental material to get off on. the world's your oyster when you're 15, horny, and culling masturbation material from the beat generation. so to answer your question, very. this is still not a boyfriend application, nor a fuck buddy application. at most it's a 'if you wanna get me a vibrator for christmas, bless you!' application.
post script: i've never been caught.

[kate has a website called quid pro quo where she posts semi-regularly. she can also be found over at 75 or less, showing the boys how it's done. she's the first canadian to ever be interviewed for "seven questions." she's apparently brutally honest, which is always a good thing.]

is it true that you have a sandwich named after you at the twig and leaf? and what is it?
not that i'm aware. but you could be referring to the now famous "louisville paul brown" – a variation on the kentucky hot brown. i haven't been to the twig in months (service was on the slide), so i'm not sure if the name has officially been changed… yet.

if you were a monkey or ape, which particular monkey or ape would you be? why?
a retarded, midget monkey. imagine the grant money for college! oh, and one with a tail.

if you could have one super power, what would it be? why?
that there telekinesis would be neat-o. imagine the depths of sloth i could achieve if i could move objects with my mind. life would be like sitting on the couch with the remote. i would become 600lbs and my skeleton would no longer be able to support my mass. than i would travel around by carrying myself aloft mentally. very chic, very baron harkonnen.
that or a tail!

so tell me about the last time you went "wild in the streets."
what i do remember is that it was the eve of the tet offensive. l.t. suggested that me and the boys take an evening off and head into saigon for some drinks and girls. next thing i know texas (we called him that since he was from detroit) slipped a mickey into my drink. next thing i remember was waking up to the sound of mortar rounds and lying in bed with four girls and a monkey.
was the monkey clothed?
…….uh….yeah….but in my uniform.
next question…
it was rough period in my life. i did get some help, mind you.

tell me exactly why you felt it necessary to make me a drunk.
you were one of many in a long line of moral corruption. i sensed the dark side inside of you, it had been there all along. i just caused it to awaken. besides, a good dependency is character building.

you apparently straddle the line of fandom between star wars and star trek. do you think a star destroyer could take out the enterprise?
oooooh! tough one. who's captaining the enterprise?
you pick.
well, definitely the enterprise if kirk was in command (motherfucker is insane). and if he loses his shirt, he can take out the death star, too. star destroyer is a hard ship to beat. it's freakin' huge.
you're tellin' me. what about picard?
he would talk the star destroyer out of firing and than invite vadar over for tea.
that seems like a cop out.
seems pretty realistic to me. diplomatic relations. peace in the galaxy. god bless you, jean-luc.
vader would never go for it.
they could compare scalps.
what about that new guy? whatsisname? from the new show? from quantum leap…
star destroyer.
hands down?
no problem. it would be "oh boy" and boom.

what are 3 things that people don't know about puffins or "the puffin," in particular?
1. i can eat my own weight in little debbie snack cakes. 2. i have feet not unlike water skis. and finally 3. i rock harder than jimmy chamberlain after a triple speedball and a bag of m&m's.

[paul used to be the head of the household over at the now defunct (but still up) puffin-a-go-go. he's got a liver to match his feet, and you know what they say about a guy with big feet…]

if they named a section of books after you on amazon.com, what kind of books would be in that section?
nerd books. classic fantasy and sci-fi nerd books, children's books, and pop culture gems. william gibson, nick hornby, ursula leguin, tolkien, etc.

what laws do you habitually break and why haven't you been caught?
i jaywalk constantly, and i have been known to provide alcohol to minors. i don't get caught because i am slick. why else?

do you think it's unfair that you don't get caught for these serious crimes when i had to go to jail for a mere traffic violation?
dreadfully unfair, especially since when i have access to a car, i speed regularly. however i have never done 57 in a 35 zone or whatever your ridiculous mph was, so on the other hand, it's completely fair. especially to the young'uns who i help to get drunk.
i habitually speed. that's not the issue here.
22 miles over the speed limit is a bit excessive, even for a habitual speeder. unless you're in a 55 zone, that is. you almost doubled the posted limit, sir hall.
i thought the speed limit was 45 and i was passing a crazy driving suv that cut me off at a stop light.
i think they get more angry at you when you don't even know what the speed limit is. a good driver is an attentive driver, or some shit.
ahem…next question…
ahem

name a situation you've been in in the past month where you thought "damn i wish i had a monkey."
well, let me think.
or a situation where a monkey would have been useful.
isn't a monkey always useful?
i'll ask the questions, if that's okay…
if this monkey was trained to steal beers from behind bar counters without ever getting caught, i'd like to have him whenever i go out.
fair enough. i was looking for a specific situation.
i think i need to up the number of monkey-enhanced situations in my life.

how many fingers am i holding up?
my psychic powers indicate that it must be three, a most powerful number that carries well over telephone lines.
wrong. i wasn't holding up any fingers. you think i was gonna wait on you?
my psychic powers are unreliable.
certainly appears so.

when was the last time you had a "hallmark moment"? what was this "moment"?
you're asking me all the hard ones. am i getting this question because i'm a girl?
quit implying that this is a sexist question.
i don't see you asking any guys about their hallmark moments.
most questions are only asked once. would you like me to change the question to "6. when was the last time you stuffed something (or had something stuffed) up your ass?"
no, that's quite alright. besides, the answer to that is a definite "never", and that's no fun.
didn't think so.
yet my life seems to be oddly devoid of hallmark moments. perhaps they've failed to entrap me into their not-so-clever marketing scheme. actually i am trying to think up a hallmark moment for today but it's just not fucking working.
what about when you broke up with your boyfriend? wasn't there a hallmark moment involved in that? like you could have sent him a card that said "sorry i'm dumping you"?
with kitties and puppies or something?
sure. or maybe a monkey making a stupid kissy face?
somehow i think that would have been entirely inappropriate. my last hallmark moment was when a good friend told me he would be poland in a conflict i was having with another friend. just that sentence, "we've agreed to be poland." hallmark could use it on their conflict cards. which i'm sure they're coming out with one of these days.
they should have like…late period "near miss" cards.
"i'm happy to hear you're buying tampons again." hrm, that just doesn't work.
they would say "so glad you're bleeding".
straightforward and effective.

how do you feel about ben refusing to call bryan by his real name?
i think ben is entitled to call brad whatever he feels brad's real name should be, though i think his intentions are less than honorable. however i do feel that brad is undeniably a brad, and that ben is simply misguided in this matter. all these b names are making my head hurt.

[molly is the first girl to be officially interviewed for seven questions. she posts almost every day to her diaryland site, as well as numerous other little writing hidey-holes she has across the net. she's also newly single and in need of a stalker. i hear she drinks like a fish and has some hot friends.]