what's it like being 16? i keep forgetting, in my old age…
it sucks. the only good parts are that my threat of "when i have a car, i'm going to fucking run you over" is much closer to being a reality and i get a really fucking cheap lunch. where else can you get a hamburger, soup, slushie, milk and french fries for a $1.40. that's top notch. otherwise, it's just school and some more school.

how's that beard coming along?
i'm still working on it. chalk that up to being a disadvantage to being sixteen. i look like a chipmunk or something. you've got to keep it low-key at this age so you don't look like you're trying too hard to be cool. do you ever find anything interesting in your beard, like food, insects, small children, etc?
not really. i bet junior from casket lottery has all kinds of problems like that, though…
when I get my beard, i don't want that whole crusty scary old man pedophile look.

what three bands would you have play your 21st birthday party? why?
based on all the drinking stories you've told me, i'll have to say coalesce and the kilowatthours. i would've added the hey mercedes, but really, i don't want no naked dudes in my jacuzzi if i were to have one. for a third, i'll say the reincarnated dead corpse of jeff buckley. why? because reincarnated dead corpses are fucking cool, that's why.
zombies are the life of the party, man.
think of all the fun you could have with a zombie though. legs for arms, arms for legs. it'd be like a lego dude.
what if coalesce said they'd only play the party if they had 6 midgets onstage and you punched your mom and the eye?
hell, i'd chop off my legs to be one of the midgets. i'll punch my mom in the eye and then take one of the zombie arms and beat her with it if it means the 'lesce would play.

don't you hate it when you eat more than one skittle at a time and it just becomes one big skittle mass in your mouth? or the oreo residue that unfailingly ends up in the corners of your mouth when you go on a binge?
i'll agree that the oreo residue sucks but i love that big skittle mass. sometimes i'll down 15 skittles just to get that huge mass.
that's gross…it's like chewing crusty gum.
what pisses me off even more about oreos are the colored filling ones. you'd think with red icing it'd change the color of the milk to red. i left one in the milk for an hour and the milk was brown, not red. and that milk tasted like crap afterwards.
i bet. i'm not into those new wussy colors they're trying to add to m&m's, either.
i saw they had carmel m&m's. i tasted one and it was nasty. It's only plain or peanut. plain and peanut all the way.

what has happened more recently: you punched someone or you were punched by someone?
hmm, i was punched by a teacher the other day. he told he was going to shove something up my ass if i hit him again. he then proceeded to punch me and got me down on the floor. from there it took an ugly turn. i was down on the ground losing this fight. said teacher decides he has to get my ass in the open so he can shove something up it. that's when the teacher's hand grabbed my ass. it's all good though because he bought me a bunch of food to eat for dinner the one time. hell, if someone buys me dinner, they can touch my ass all they want. yes, that's an offer.
is this supposed to sound as scarily homosexual as it does?
i'm not the one who grabbed my ass. i didn't enjoy but i can forgive.

you're 16…that must be hell on your love life. what about monkeys? when was the last time you formed a bond with a monkey?
probably 1994 or 1995. i had this stuffed monkey, the one from aladdin. i'd be lying to you if i said i hadn't slept with it.
that sounds pretty intense.
yeah, but i've also slept with my guitar. i guess i'm pretty easy if you're an inanimate object.

make a top 5 list. subject of your own choosing.
top 5 greatest things of all time:
5. that picture of sean ingram grabbing own ass from michigan fest
4. being sick when you have school
3. being healthy when you are home from school for an entire week for easter vacation
2. orange or purple pez candy. the yellow stuff is crap.
1. a pink lined gibson hardshell case. i swear that i would love to sleep in my case if i could. it'd be a sexy encounter with yet another inanimate object.

[steve posts regularly to his own weblog and can be found haunting the coalesce message board almost daily. he says he feels like he's become a man now that he's done seven questions.]