is it true that you have a sandwich named after you at the twig and leaf? and what is it?
not that i'm aware. but you could be referring to the now famous "louisville paul brown" – a variation on the kentucky hot brown. i haven't been to the twig in months (service was on the slide), so i'm not sure if the name has officially been changed… yet.

if you were a monkey or ape, which particular monkey or ape would you be? why?
a retarded, midget monkey. imagine the grant money for college! oh, and one with a tail.

if you could have one super power, what would it be? why?
that there telekinesis would be neat-o. imagine the depths of sloth i could achieve if i could move objects with my mind. life would be like sitting on the couch with the remote. i would become 600lbs and my skeleton would no longer be able to support my mass. than i would travel around by carrying myself aloft mentally. very chic, very baron harkonnen.
that or a tail!

so tell me about the last time you went "wild in the streets."
what i do remember is that it was the eve of the tet offensive. l.t. suggested that me and the boys take an evening off and head into saigon for some drinks and girls. next thing i know texas (we called him that since he was from detroit) slipped a mickey into my drink. next thing i remember was waking up to the sound of mortar rounds and lying in bed with four girls and a monkey.
was the monkey clothed?
…….uh….yeah….but in my uniform.
next question…
it was rough period in my life. i did get some help, mind you.

tell me exactly why you felt it necessary to make me a drunk.
you were one of many in a long line of moral corruption. i sensed the dark side inside of you, it had been there all along. i just caused it to awaken. besides, a good dependency is character building.

you apparently straddle the line of fandom between star wars and star trek. do you think a star destroyer could take out the enterprise?
oooooh! tough one. who's captaining the enterprise?
you pick.
well, definitely the enterprise if kirk was in command (motherfucker is insane). and if he loses his shirt, he can take out the death star, too. star destroyer is a hard ship to beat. it's freakin' huge.
you're tellin' me. what about picard?
he would talk the star destroyer out of firing and than invite vadar over for tea.
that seems like a cop out.
seems pretty realistic to me. diplomatic relations. peace in the galaxy. god bless you, jean-luc.
vader would never go for it.
they could compare scalps.
what about that new guy? whatsisname? from the new show? from quantum leap…
star destroyer.
hands down?
no problem. it would be "oh boy" and boom.

what are 3 things that people don't know about puffins or "the puffin," in particular?
1. i can eat my own weight in little debbie snack cakes. 2. i have feet not unlike water skis. and finally 3. i rock harder than jimmy chamberlain after a triple speedball and a bag of m&m's.

[paul used to be the head of the household over at the now defunct (but still up) puffin-a-go-go. he's got a liver to match his feet, and you know what they say about a guy with big feet…]