grillburn…that sounds like a pretty bad condition. and don't you think "american typewriter" is a bit artsy/emo?
yeah…i forgot it was a braid song, but you know…fuck you. that's not emo. no emo kid would be confrontational enough to say fuck you to anyone…grillburn…that comes from me actually falling on the grill at a shitty job i had flipping burgers
yeah?
yeah, this bitch was mopping under my feet and started hitting my shoes with a wet mop…i fell right on the grill with my arms
ouch.
luckily i have no visible scars. or i'd be like kevin spacey in pay it forward.

what was the last record you bought? and did you really just get it for the justin timberlake guest track?
the last record i bought was from the itunes music store, actually…it was hum's "downward is heavenward"…don't knock jt, bitch! he's my dawg
he did play bass for the flaming lips once….

do you still blame me for that one time?
yeah…you shouldn't have done that…i mean, did you even think about the consequences to your actions? did it cross your mind once that it could affect me in any way? god……sometimes i don't think you listen to me…
i don't. but that's the way shit goes, really.
you're not getting any tonight, buster
don't i know it.

are you pissed that sebastian has done two of these things and it's taken you this long to get your first?
no…i'm not pissed at all…i undersatnd that you could be a little overwhelmed at the idea of interviewing someone as cool and hip and trendy (not to mention smart, funny, etc) as me.
yeah…right.
so you put it off, big deal
keep telling yourself that one.
i'm oblivious to my own ego.

when was the last time you saw a flesh and blood monkey in person? none of that audioanimatronic shit, either.
busch gardens, 1999…i think
i imagine a wistful sigh.
hah!

what do you remember most about the last time you got piss drunk and blacked out?
i remember i woke up with all my friends' signatures on my ass in sharpie…and i remember their sigs not coming off for a week and a half.
your ass? brilliant!
yeah…it was my 21st birthday. those fuckers. they wrote "exit only" on it, also.
well…at least there's that.

if you were a ninja, what would be the first three things you did?
i think i would like to be surrounded by a bunch of tough guys that look like "thugs" from 80's action flicks. i would be in the sand, and they would surround me in a complete circle…then i would throw a smoke bomb and when it cleared, i would be gone…they would all walk away dumbfounded…then, when the coast was clear, you'd see me digging my way out of the sand…like in american ninja 3.
that's only one thing. you got two more ninja activities to bust out.
then i would like to scale a building with suction cups, and sneak into a hotel room, kill a guy with a pick made of ice while he's in the shower, and then the murder weapon would just melt away.
and for my last one…i would like to have a gigantic rat for a master
bitchin'. i read that ice shiv shit in a prison story once.
i saw that in a movie called "deadly life of a ninja."
fuckin' badass.

[mike used to post over at grillburn.org (now defunct) and now tells it like it is over at american typewriter. he also has an unnatural prediliction for that whole .org thing.]