so you're high right now? what brought that about?
now? yes. definitely. our pipe that we affectionately call dr. grabow brought it. but dr. grabow is currently broken, which makes me a little sad.
so you had to improvise?
well, see brian… not to get all high-talk on you, but… i had to remove the stem of old dr. grabow (he's actually an old wooden tobacco pipe, those glass things frighten me) because he was so clogged with resin. bobby, my neighbor with gold teeth, said he'll bring over some pipe cleaners and clean it for us. we don't have pipe cleaners
anyway, point being: you can still smoke grabow without his stem.

do you think it's a good thing that i have my favorite chinese restaurant in town on speed dial on the celly?
why on your celly and not on the ground line?
my ground line's speed dial is archaic, making it more of a nuisance.
and whatever, let's not talk about chinese food… let's talk about you calling your cell phone a "celly." how zack morris of you. have you seen him on NYPD blue? brilliant.
i was trying to be "hip" for about 30 seconds. my normal terminology is "ball and chain" or "handy."
normal to an ape.
moving right along…
just kidding.

what's the most fun you've ever had with a monkey?
my old roommate works at the city zoo and the zoo area of busch gardens. so, she's played with monkeys. she never let me play with the monkeys though, so actually — the whole monkey thing is a sore spot for me. i don't like to talk about it.
ironically, this same roommate also claimed she was into beastiality one evening when drunk. hm.
i've always wanted a monkey to comb my hair, though…

knowing bits and pieces of your past, how long should we expect to wait before you write your tell-all autobiography entitled "a girl and her retarded lovers"?
hahahaha! i like that title! very fitting. um, i think i have to wait for this bridget jones fan-wave to die down first. you know, lay low… plus, someone will probably want to sue me … again.
he backed off though, right?
yah, i guess i'm not as cowardly as i always think i am. he threatened and threatened, you know "defamation of character" and all that, but i was like "deny anything i've said, deny it!" cause i knew everything i wrote about him was true.
so yah, he tried to sue his school too…right before he threatened me. he didn't finish his master's thesis so they weren't going to let him graduate. he threatened with a lawsuit and they just gave it to him. the education system is so fabulous these days.

so how's the unicorn collection going?
unicorns! augh, you know this isn't even cool in an uncool sort of way but, i love unicorns. i think they're just the greatest. since i was little i've always loved unicorns, and of course its cousin, pegasus… i still have a lot of my old unicorn collection back at my parents house in atlanta. i started collecting on my own again a few years ago too. It's magical. unicorns are so magical. when i was a kid i used to imagine that the whole world was made of chef boyardee beef ravioli and unicorns. a year ago or so my friend simon and i were at a pizza place and he said he knew of this really large sattellite dish, on a freeway that goes to pennsylvania, that he could swipe for me. it's has like a 12 foot diameter, but he insists that he can manage it. he's living in pennsylvania again now, and promises me that the unicorn will still be mine.
what the hell does a satellite dish have to do with a unicorn?
oh, absolutely nothing. i think that it's a cover, like it transmits signals to alien spacecraft.

what's the funniest nickname you have ever come up with for someone?
um, i guess "african nugget"?
was there any reasoning behind that?
well, he was a czech dishwasher at a restaurant i worked at — he really liked chuck berry and cured salmon. sometimes dumb things just sort of tumble out of my mouth, and one day "african nugget" was one of those things. and he liked it. so we stuck with it.

what are three things the world should know about jackie carlson when she's stoned, for their own safety?
1. these days i've been really worried that my minor weight gain is going to turn into a major one. like, no matter what i eat or don't eat, or how much i exercise, i will just keep getting bigger and bigger. and the doctor's won't know what to do. and it'll be some new crazy disease called "the carlson" or something horrible. and i'll end up becoming the typhoid mary of our generation. i think that is my worst fear.
2. only come over to my house if you're ready for me to go "look at my kitties" every 5 seconds cause i think they're doing something really great, like sniffing carpet.
3. you're better off knowing me when i'm high.

[jackie posts semi-regularly to the asian book of wisdom, and likes to be referred to by the name of one of her cats. to the best of my knowledge, she is the first person to answer seven questions in any sort of altered state of being.]